Why your wife yells at you

The innocent and not so innocent reasons behind your wife's yelling

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They say hell hath no fury like a woman scorned. If you’ve been at the receiving end of a woman’s yelling, you know you’ve seen something beyond hell. Both husbands and wives yell, but yelling as verbal abuse is mainly a woman’s arena.1Hamberger, L. K., & Larsen, S. E. (2015). Men’s and women’s experience of intimate partner violence: A review of ten years of comparative studies in clinical samples; Part I. Journal of Family Violence30, 699-717.

Not all yelling is abusive, though. Sometimes it is warranted; sometimes, it’s not. Warranted yelling is when someone gets angry or upset for a genuine reason. If warranted yelling occurs infrequently, it’s not likely to be abuse. 

Unwarranted yelling is when there’s no clear-cut reason behind someone getting angry or frustrated. It may be that you don’t understand why your partner’s yelling because you can’t see things from their perspective. However, frequent unwarranted yelling is a sure sign of abuse.

The bottom line is that yelling is poor communication regardless of intent to harm because it feels abusive to the other person. When paired with insults and put-downs, it not only feels but is abusive. 

Reasons why wives yell

Wives yell for many of the same reasons that husbands do. Anger is the biggest reason. However, there are differences in how men and women express anger. Men’s anger tends to be direct. They’ll say exactly what made them angry. Women, on the other hand, tend to be more indirect and passive-aggressive.

Being more emotional than men, women find it hard to express anger calmly. They either express anger hysterically or ruminate over it, building resentment.2Thomas, S. P. (2005). Women’s anger, aggression, and violence. Health care for women international26(6), 504-522. A wife yelling at her husband is often the result of releasing pent-up resentment. She remained quiet until she couldn’t.

Other than anger and resentment, factors that cause both men and women to yell include: 

  • Powerlessness
  • Stress
  • Not feeling seen or heard
  • Insecurity and jealousy
  • Family-learned communication style

Reasons that have to do with female nature

Brace yourself because we’ll venture into the darker sides of the female psyche. Since emotional abuse is women’s expertise, they do it in ways that leave husbands clueless. When husbands understand what’s happening, they’re left dumbfounded because they can’t imagine doing that in their wildest dreams.

Men live in a world of facts and logic. Women live in a world of emotions. They can play with feelings because that’s the world they live in. Let’s discuss some female-specific reasons behind mostly unwarranted yelling in wives:

1. Entertainment

Believe it or not, a woman may yell at her partner simply because she’s bored. A study showed that it’s less common for a woman to be aggressive to defend herself than it is for her to be aggressive because she feels comfortable and secure in the relationship.3Olson, L. N., & Lloyd, S. A. (2005). “It depends on what you mean by starting”: An exploration of how women define initiation of aggression and their motives for behaving aggressively. Sex Roles53, 603-617. A secure and comfortable relationship without drama can be unentertaining for a woman. So, your wife may be yelling at you because she’s looking for some emotional intensity.

2. Test

Women evolved to be with physically and emotionally strong partners. When a woman yells at you for no reason, she may be testing your mental strength. You show that you’re weak if you get angry and react negatively. When she sees you’re weak, she loses respect for you and tries to control you.

You show superior mental strength when you don’t react or react positively. This makes her respect you more, and she won’t try to control you.

3. Ruining mood

You can’t wait to tell your wife about your promotion or how you had a great time with friends. You expect her to share your joy. Far from sharing your happiness, she reacts coldly, or worse, she ruins your mood by picking up an unnecessary fight. What happened?

As I mentioned previously, women know how to play with feelings. Your happiness could make her feel worse if she’s not feeling so great about her life. When she feels bad, she wants you to feel bad, too.

Pay attention to when your wife tries to ruin your mood. You’ll find that she does it when you’re about to have a good time. For example, if you tell your wife that you’re meeting a friend at 6 PM, she might start a fight with you 5 or 10 minutes before.

The goal is to ensure you don’t enjoy the outing without her. It’s called the emotional binding technique of manipulation. She keeps you mentally and emotionally bonded to her. Even when you’re out with your friend, you think of her and the fight.

4. Deflection

There are many women out there who don’t like taking responsibility and accountability for their actions. If you confront your wife about something, instead of admitting her fault, she might yell about something utterly unrelated to the problem at hand.

The goal is to steer the conversation away from what she did wrong and toward what you did wrong, even if you did it years ago and had already apologized for it.

5. Emotional connection

Weird as it may sound to husbands, women sometimes yell and pick fights to feel connected with their partners. To women, a negative emotional connection is better than no emotional connection. So, if there has been some distance between you and your wife lately, her wanting to pick a fight with you could be nothing more than her wanting to connect emotionally.

Effects on husband

If your wife frequently yells at you, it will erode your self-esteem and identity over time. You’ll feel small, powerless, violated, and robbed of your dignity. This is why many men become so weak and timid after marriage. They become a shell of what they were previously.

The media portrays the image of a stereotypical husband as someone who’s a good-for-nothing fool who can’t do anything right without her wife. He’s afraid of her wife and walks on eggshells around her. When you walk on eggshells around someone, it’s a good sign they’ve abused you. 

What to do about it?

Reject the stereotype. No one has to tolerate abuse, be it physical or emotional. When your wife yells at you, confront her. Tell her you won’t tolerate that behavior. Establish boundaries and consequences if those boundaries get violated. When you’ve done that, try to figure out why your wife is being emotionally abusive.

Insecure women are more likely to inflict emotional abuse.4O’HEARN, R. E., & Davis, K. E. (1997). Women’s experience of giving and receiving emotional abuse: An attachment perspective. Journal of interpersonal violence12(3), 375-391. Talk to her about what’s triggering her insecurities and help her heal. If she wants to, if she doesn’t want to heal, be firm with your boundaries and control what you can.

Preserve your identity and self-esteem at all costs. Focus on your career, hobbies, and interests. Don’t let these fall by the wayside. An emotionally abusive woman wants to take over your life. Don’t let her. Love her and do your duties as a husband, but don’t let her climb over your head.

And please don’t watch and believe all those Instagram and Tiktok relationship reels. Most of them are degrading to men, normalizing female emotional abuse and reinforcing the stereotype of the weakened man in a marriage.

References