Covert narcissism is a type of narcissism that, as the name implies, is hidden. Outwardly, covert narcissists may appear modest or even shy, but if you spend enough time with them, their inner narcissists will come out in ugly ways. Covert narcissists have the same core narcissistic traits as overt narcissists. But unlike overt narcissists who display their traits conspicuously, covert narcissists wear a social mask to conceal their narcissism.
Other than the word ‘covert’, people have used the following words to describe covert narcissism:
- Vulnerable
- Hidden
- Introverted
- Passive-aggressive
- Closet
- Hypervigilant
- Hypersensitive
Associations
Covert narcissism is associated with:
- Insecure attachment (more so with anxious than avoidant)1Smolewska, K., & Dion, K. (2005). Narcissism and adult attachment: A multivariate approach. Self and Identity, 4(1), 59-68.
- Low self-esteem2Cai, H., & Luo, Y. L. (2018). Distinguishing between adaptive and maladaptive narcissism. In Handbook of Trait Narcissism: Key Advances, Research Methods, and Controversies (pp. 97-104). Cham: Springer International Publishing.
- Neuroticism3Balestri, M. (1999). Overt and covert narcissism and their relationship to object relations, depression, Machiavellianism, and the five factor model of personality (Doctoral dissertation, Boston University).
- Anxiety
- Depression
Covert narcissism in women
While overt narcissism is common in men, covert narcissism is common in women.4Onofrei, L. (2009). A critical examination of the theoretical and empirical overlap between overt narcissism and male narcissism and between covert narcissism and female narcissism. It could be because women value their social relationships highly and may thus be more aware of the social costs of overt narcissism.
Traits
If you grew up with a covert narcissistic mother, you likely experienced narcissistic abuse. Since mothers tend to be our primary attachment figures, their relationship with us often has a profound impact on our psychological development. If you’re wondering whether your mother is a covert narcissist, the following signs will make things clear.
1. Emotional manipulation and control
Emotional manipulation is the preferred control tactic of women, and covert narcissistic mothers are no different. They use the following tactics to manipulate you emotionally:
Guilt-tripping
They’ll induce guilt in you for the things you didn’t do.5Alderete, H. (2022). Break Free from Narcissistic Mothers: A Step-By-Step Workbook for Ending Toxic Behavior, Setting Boundaries, and Reclaiming Your Life. Simon and Schuster. Or if you had some part in the mistake, they’ll amplify your part to make you look and feel bad. When you’re feeling guilty, you want to make it up to them. You become putty in the hands of your manipulator.
They might say things like:
“I’ve been working all day. Don’t you have any sympathy for me?”
It doesn’t matter whether she worked all day or not. What’s problematic is inducing guilt instead of directly asking for help without manipulation.
Playing the victim
Covert narcissist mothers play the victim to seek:
- Attention (even if negative attention)
- Validation
- Sympathy
They believe they’re a martyr and that nobody has suffered as much as they have.6Levy, K. N. (2012). Subtypes, dimensions, levels, and mental states in narcissism and narcissistic personality disorder. Journal of clinical psychology, 68(8), 886-897. They won’t miss an opportunity to tell one of their sob stories. Now, those stories might be true, but you have to understand their motives. They’ll likely leave out details from those stores that don’t portray them as victims.
They may also fake or exaggerate illness for sympathy and attention. It’s interesting how they tend to get ill soon after a conflict when you’re ignoring them because you’re mad at them.
Conditional love
For both covert and overt narcissists, image is everything. Since narcissists see their children as an extension of themselves, anything you do that threatens their image will be discouraged. They’ll love you if you make them look good and withhold their love if you do something that makes them look bad.
Lying and gaslighting
They are smooth liars. They’ll lie to get their way, win an argument, or protect their image. Gaslighting is their go-to tactic in arguments. They’ll deny or distort what they said or did, saying things like:
“I never said that.”
Fake concern
Once your covert narcissist mother gets you all riled up during an argument, she will say something like:
“Are you okay?”
The focus shifts from the argument to you- you must not be okay. You’re the one causing all this argument and tension, not her.
Micromanaging
She won’t stop micromanaging your life even when you’re an adult. She’ll try to exert control over your choices and decisions under the guise of care and concern:
“I’m your mother. I care about you. You’ll only understand when you have a child of your own.”
Of course, mothers care about their children. But there’s a limit. You can tell when a mother is treating her adult child like a 6-year-old and when she’s caring for them respectfully.
Enmeshment
They want to emotionally entangle you with them because that way, you’re dependent on them. They don’t want you to be a separate individual with your own needs, wants, and emotions. If your mom sees you as her ‘best friend’, that’s a red flag for enmeshment.
2. Competitiveness
You can think of narcissists as children. They’re stuck in an earlier stage of development and fail to develop emotional maturity. Like a child, they compete with you for attention and success.
Mine is bigger than yours (problem)
Say you’re facing a problem and decide to share it with your mom. Instead of actively listening to your situation, she might state her own problems. She wants you to think her problems and challenges are bigger than yours, saying things like:
“Is that (your problem) important right now? I don’t think so.”
Her problems have to take priority every time. Even if she does take up your problem, she’ll focus on parts of your problem that are a problem for her and ignore the rest. Now, your problem has morphed into her problem.
Criticism
She’ll criticize you for your decisions. Sometimes, the criticism is valid, but often, it’s a subtle, passive-aggressive move. For instance, say you purchase two items for the house. She doesn’t like that you decided to buy something on your own—that you exerted your independence. So, she feels the need to criticize your move.
She’ll say something like:
“The first item was good, but do we really need that second item? It’s such a waste.”
In truth, both items are good. You know that. Everyone but her agrees. She’s just praising one and criticizing another to keep the real motive for her criticism covert. She likely wanted to criticize both purchases.
Feeling threatened
Many find it hard to believe narcissistic parents can get threatened by your success, but they do because they’re wrapped up in themselves. They want all the attention and admiration for themselves. If you succeed, they’ll credit hog or they’ll get threatened. You’ll notice that they’ll say nothing when you do well. They’ll barely congratulate you. They might even talk about their own achievements to steal the spotlight from you and shine it on themselves.
If they respond at all to your announcement of success, it’ll likely be to dismiss or minimize it.
3. Emotional neglect and exhaustion
Since narcissists are overly concerned with themselves and their own needs, it’s hard for them to show empathy and hold space for your emotions.
Dismissing feelings
They’ll dismiss your feelings as overreactions or weaknesses.
Having ‘the talk’
The way covert narcissist mothers trap you in arguments is mind-boggling. They’ll pretend they want to have an honest ‘talk’ with you. They’re skilled at converting discussions into heated arguments. They feed off your negative emotional reactions.
Hypersensitivity
Covert narcissist mothers are hypersensitive to criticism, failure, and the negative evaluation of others.7Levine, A. B., & Faust, J. (2013). A psychodynamic approach to the diagnosis and treatment of closet narcissism. Clinical Case Studies, 12(3), 199-212. Again, this stems from their desire to be a perfect individual who can do no wrong. That they project onto you. Hypersensitivity breeds hypervigilance. She’ll mistake your neutral comments as criticism and get defensive at the drop of a hat. It’ll be as if she sees everything as an attack and gets upset over little things.
Impact
1. Emotional and psychological effects
Anxiety and depression
The neuroticism, emotional volatility, and reactivity of a covert narcissist mother may be transferred to you. It may become your default way of dealing with people in adulthood.
PTSD or c-PTSD
If you get flashbacks or nightmares of your negative interactions with your covert narcissist mom, it’s a strong sign you were traumatized by her.
Emotional suppression
The emotional neglect you’ve faced likely taught you to suppress your own emotions. You may grow up to believe that your and others’ emotions are unimportant. You’re likely to be emotionally unexpressive and unable to handle emotional expression in others.
2. Personality issues
Low self-worth
Years of conditional love and subtle manipulations, as well as put-downs, create a chronic sense of not being good enough. Prioritizing the mother’s needs over your own, not receiving praise, and not developing a stable sense of self also contribute to low self-esteem.8Leggio, J. N. (2018). Mental health outcomes for adult children of narcissistic parents. Adler University. You may develop negative core beliefs such as:
“I’m not good enough.”
“I’m defective.”
“My needs don’t matter.”
People-pleasing
Growing up with a covert narcissist mother may lead you to develop ‘fawn’ as your primary trauma response when dealing with people. It means that you’re likely to be a people pleaser because you were trained always to please your mom.
Low self-trust
Years of manipulation and gaslighting not only create confusion in you, but you may also doubt your perceptions, instincts, and feelings. You may develop this general demeanor of ‘being lost’. People may tell you that you seem confused and lost for no apparent reason.
Hypervigilance
You may become hypervigilant to other people’s emotions, especially negative emotions. The emotional unpredictability of your mother trained you to always be on alert around other people. You believe that, like your mom, they might emotionally explode over you at any time. If they do, it triggers you and brings back past traumatic memories with your mom.
Seeking external validation
It’s a consequence of not forming a stable sense of self. You might develop narcissistic tendencies yourself.
3. Relationship patterns
Insecure attachment style
You’re likely to develop an avoidant, anxious, or disorganized attachment style in response to inconsistent and conditional love from your mother.
Intimacy issues
The emotional inexpressiveness you develop can lead to avoidance of emotional vulnerability, which is essential for emotional intimacy.9Monk, I. R. (2001). Adult children of covertly narcissistic families: a look at their romantic relationships (Doctoral dissertation, University of British Columbia).
Codependent relationships
Since you’re accustomed to enmeshment, that’s what you seek in romantic relationships, as it’s familiar and comfortable. Your subconscious pulls you towards relationships that mimic the emotional chaos of childhood, even if you consciously say you don’t want drama.
Difficulty asserting boundaries
You were never allowed to assert your boundaries, and this lack of assertiveness carries over to your adult relationships.
How to cope
Dealing with the psychological effects of growing up with a covert narcissistic mother isn’t an overnight feat. It takes years of self-improvement. Your first and most important task is developing your identity. Take the time to explore your true self, your true desires, values, and goals. Go back to your childhood and recall who you wanted to be before your narcissistic parent sabotaged it and replaced it with who they wanted you to be.
Once you’ve done all that, you have to learn how to cope with living with a covert narcissistic mother. If you can go no contact, great. If you can’t, you have to limit contact with them. Now that you understand how they operate and what their motives are, you should be able to avoid getting emotionally untangled with them. Quit trying to make them see reason, and keep their narcissistic tendencies in mind when dealing with them.
It’s hard to get upset and offended by narcissists once you understand where they’re coming from. Maintain a respectful distance and let them be. Don’t try to change them. That’s their responsibility.
Think your mom fits the criteria for a covert narcissist? Take this covert narcissist mother test for confirmation.
