People naturally expect the highest levels of intimacy in their romantic relationships. There are different types of intimacies, the primary ones being physical and emotional. When we hear of affairs and cheating, the violation of physical intimacy immediately comes to mind. That is, the cheating partner had a physical relationship with someone other than their partner.
Violation of emotional intimacy in a relationship can be just as damaging as the violation of physical intimacy. Both are serious threats to a relationship. In a study, participants were asked to rate various cheating behaviors. ‘Forming a deep emotional bond’ with someone else ranked at 11 in the list of top 30 or so cheating behaviors.1Kruger, D. J., Fisher, M. L., Edelstein, R. S., Chopik, W. J., Fitzgerald, C. J., & Strout, S. L. (2013). Was that cheating? Perceptions vary by sex, attachment anxiety, and behavior. Evolutionary Psychology, 11(1), 159-171.
Emotional cheating is precisely that- forming a deep emotional bond with someone who’s not your romantic partner. It’s detrimental to both the partner and the relationship, leading to a severe erosion of trust, loyalty, and respect.
Emotional affair (EA) vs friendship
You can be friends with someone of the opposite gender and not be deeply emotionally intimate with them. Of course, there’s some degree of intimacy to any friendship, but it’s usually in the safe zone. If the friendship deepens and intimacy increases, there comes a point where it can turn into an EA.
Unlike a friendship, an EA is characterized by a high degree of emotional intimacy and closeness. When you’re in an EA, you do things with your EA partner that you should be doing with your romantic partner. Unlike friendships that are usually secondary to the primary relationship (PR), the EA partner becomes your ‘main thing’ to whom you devote a large portion of your time and energy.2Potter-Efron, R. T. (2009). The emotional affair: How to recognize emotional infidelity and what to do about it. New Harbinger Publications.
| Aspect | Friendship | Emotional affair |
|---|---|---|
| Boundaries | Healthy, transparent boundaries that respect PR | Boundaries blurred or crossed |
| Secrecy | Partners usually know about the friend | Relationship is often hidden or downplayed to a partner |
| Emotional intimacy | Somewhat present but not greater than with a partner | Greater or equal to that with a partner |
| Dependence | Supportive but not excessive reliance on the friend | Strong emotional reliance, turning to them first instead of the partner |
| Time Investment | Time together is integrated into life openly | Excessive or secret time spent messaging, calling, or meeting |
| Romantic undertones | Absent | Present, implied, or developing |
Stages
1. Primary relationship (PR) breakdown
Usually, the seeds for an emotional affair are sown where there is a breakdown in the PR. This breakdown may come about due to several reasons. Common ones being:
- Unmet emotional needs
- Feeling taken for granted
- Conflict
- Dissatisfaction3Allen, E. S., & Rhoades, G. K. (2007). Not all affairs are created equal: Emotional involvement with an extradyadic partner. Journal of sex & marital therapy, 34(1), 51-65.
- Loneliness
- Boredom4Gemmer, S. J. (2013). Exploring Infidelity: Developing the GEM RIM (Gemmer’s Risk of Infidelity Measure) (Doctoral dissertation, Wright State University).
The person is either no longer getting their emotional needs met in the PR, or they’re not meeting them at a high level, as they probably did during the honeymoon phase. This creates an emotional void inside them that they then seek to fill through an EA.
Note that this is a common but not the only reason why people have emotional affairs. If an EA occurs, it’s likely due to a combination of factors.
Another key contributing factor to emotional infidelity is the personality of the cheating partner. Certain personality types are more likely to be unfaithful, such as:
- Having an insecure attachment style
- High openness to new experiences
- High extraversion
- Low conscientiousness
- Low agreeableness
- Narcissism
- Psychopathy5Tsapelas, I., Fisher, H. E., & Aron, A. (2010). Infidelity: When, where, why. In The dark side of close relationships II (pp. 195-216). Routledge.
Mate value matters
Lastly, I want to touch on a key factor that often gets overlooked because it hurts the ego of the victims of an emotional affair. They don’t like to hear it, and so the experts rarely write or talk about it.
Even if your relationship has a healthy level of emotional intimacy, your partner could still develop an EA with someone they perceive as better than you.
In other words, the overall mate value of the EA partner may be perceived as higher than yours by your partner. People are selfish and want the best for themselves, even if what they have is good. The ‘grass is greener on the other side’ phenomenon, a fundamental characteristic of human nature, also plays into this.
2. The small diversion
The consequence of a breakdown in the PR is emotional disconnection. Initially, there is a slight and subtle emotional disconnection. Subtle, but palpable. Palpable, because romantic relationships tend to reach high levels of emotional intimacy when things are going great. Any slight change in that is noticeable. When your partner distances themselves from you emotionally, you can feel it.
You notice a slight reduction in your partner’s attention, time, and energy. This slight diversion of resources occurs because the partner is initiating the process of trying to meet their emotional needs elsewhere. Before your partner can invest their emotional resources into someone else, they have to unplug from you emotionally and psychologically. You can feel that unplugging.
3. The ‘friend’
Sure enough, the ‘friend’ finally appears. Even if you ignore the small diversion of the previous stage by telling yourself that maybe your relationship has gotten stale or your partner is ‘testing’ you somehow, you can’t ignore this friend. Your partner claims they’re ‘just friends’ in case you get suspicious. But you can almost feel that friend siphoning your partner’s attention, time, and energy. It hasn’t happened on a grand level yet, but you can sense it. The small diversion is getting bigger.
If you’re constantly going back and forth in your mind, trying to figure out whether this friend is really just a friend, they’re likely not. A mere friend wouldn’t put you on an emotional rollercoaster.6Olson, M. M., Russell, C. S., Higgins‐Kessler, M., & Miller, R. B. (2002). Emotional processes following disclosure of an extramarital affair. Journal of marital and family therapy, 28(4), 423-434. If it were just a friendship, your partner or that friend wouldn’t have done anything to shake your alarm bells, even if slightly.
Our minds don’t detect the red flags for nothing. Alway pay attention to any and every little red flag. It may be a false alarm, but it still provides important information.
4. The great diversion
When the slight diversion of the partner’s resources becomes great, things become apparent. You’re no longer doubtful about it all. The writing is on the wall. Your partner’s having an EA. You might be tempted to ignore, deny, or minimize it to protect your ego. But it’s time to face reality.
Your partner has replaced you with someone else to meet their emotional needs. Their EA partner is on their mind constantly. They:
- Constantly talk about their EA partner
- Have lunch and dinner with them
- Hang out more often than ever
- Find any little excuse to meet
The stronger the emotional connection between them and their EA partner, the greater the need for secrecy. Passwords will get changed, conversations deleted. When you see them with their EA partner, you can see guilt clearly in their eyes. That awkward silence around you as if saying anything at all will expose the affair.
Highly manipulative people can go to great lengths to hide their emotional affairs. They’ll act normally, even showing you routine affection as if nothing were going on. They’ll say the ‘friend’ is getting emotionally invested, not them, laughing it off. Subtly placing the blame for the closeness on the EA partner and reducing their own guilt. But their trickery won’t work on you because you have a massive sense that things have shifted dramatically.
5. EA > PR
At this point, the EA takes over the PR. Your partner sees the EA as more important than the PR. They view their EA partner as more valuable than you, more aligned with their goals and needs. Unfortunately, the opposite of valuing is devaluing. Your partner will likely compare you negatively to their EA partner. This might have started at an earlier stage, but it’ll likely intensify now. They’ll demean, disrespect, hurt, or even abuse you.
They have to justify the affair to themselves and reduce guilt. So by disrespecting and abusing you, they can be like:
“Look! you’re so bad, worthy of abuse. I did well by replacing you with my EA partner.”
6. The future
Amidst all the hurt, disrespect, and abuse, your partner starts imagining their future with their EA partner. They’ll start making plans for the future with their EA partner. They might even be making plans to leave you. This is a dangerous position to be in because you never know when the axe will fall on the relationship. Or, on you!
When you’re sure your partner is having an emotional affair, gather evidence as quickly as possible and leave them. Start packing your bags as soon as the abuse begins. You don’t deserve any of it.
7. The breakup
There are problems in any relationship. People solve them and grow from them. Problems often make romantic relationships better. However, an emotional affair is not merely a problem. It’s not a hiccup in the relationship. It’s a serious indication of things having gone dangerously out of hand. Infidelity of any kind shouldn’t be forgiven. It’s a choice, not a mistake.
Maybe forgiveness is possible when a partner genuinely apologizes. But the partner who emotionally cheats on you has lost so much respect for you that they can’t genuinely apologize. I have heard countless stories of people who regretted forgiving their partners. Someone who cheats on you once is likely to do it again. Unfortunately, I’ve also heard stories of people who lost their lives because they overlooked, ignored, or forgave the infidelity of their partners.
When your partner is emotionally disconnected from you and connected to someone else, the harsh reality is that you’re nothing but an obstacle in their path. And if you’ve read even a little bit of human history and/or true crime, you know that people can take drastic measures to eliminate their obstacles.
