Bipolar Disorder is a mental health condition in which the sufferer experiences episodes of mania or hypomania and depression. Mania is a high-energy state in which a bipolar person experiences elevated mood, inflated self-esteem, agitation, and impulsivity. Hypomania is a less severe state than mania.
During a depressive phase, a bipolar person experiences the typical symptoms of depression, such as low energy, low mood, anhedonia, sadness, and hopelessness.1Carvalho, A. F., Firth, J., & Vieta, E. (2020). Bipolar disorder. New England Journal of Medicine, 383(1), 58-66.
During mania, depression, or a mixed state in which a bipolar person experiences mania and depression together, they may engage in what’s called bipolar rage. This is an aggressive, impulsive, and angry state in which they can become hostile and unfairly blame those around them. They experience intense mood swings that negatively affect their partner and others around them. Since they’re impulsive, they struggle to regulate these shifts in mood, which can escalate situations and cause serious problems.
Ignoring a bipolar person
If you’re ignoring a bipolar person or thinking about doing it, you’re likely a victim of a bipolar rage attack. They probably blamed you unfairly and yelled at you. You tried to explain or defend yourself, but failed. Arguing with them made the situation worse, as it always did. Having dealt with a bipolar person, I know exactly what that moment feels like. You kick yourself for falling into their ‘argument trap’ and declare:
“I can’t deal with this anymore. I’m never arguing with them again.”
Until you do. Because bipolar rage occurs so out of the blue, you get caught again sooner or later. You find it extremely hard to prepare yourself.
Before we dive into the potential consequences of ignoring a bipolar person, I want to say that you have every right to protect your mental health and peace of mind. You have every right to exit any interaction that isn’t serving you.
You’ve tried to make it work through calmness and logic, but it hasn’t worked. So, emotional detachment and no contact are the only options left.
Consequences
As soon as you sense that the bipolar person in your life is entering ‘rage mode’ or what I call ‘ready-to-blame’ mode, disengage as early as you can. Don’t fuel their fire by trying to correct them or pointing out the unfairness or invalidity of their blame attacks or arguments. They’ll try hard to suck you in with repeated or intensified blaming. They may call you names and disrespect you. Don’t respond to anything. You’ve been on this road before. It leads nowhere. Ignore and take the turn.
You may notice that their rage increases. They may yell more or slam doors, but eventually their episode will subside, and they’ll return to their usual self. If you respond to their rage bait, not only will your mental health decline and stress increase, but it will also take longer for them to cool down. So, ignoring as early as possible is your best bet.
If, by mistake, you do argue with them at the wrong time when they’re at their worst, that can lead to the following consequences:
Worsened symptoms
When you counter-argue with a bipolar person, you only increase their rage and aggression. If you ignore them during this escalation, they may become even angrier and resort to verbal or physical aggression. They may see your ignoring them as a form of punishment or even a weakness on your part, as in:
“Why are you quiet and ignoring me now? Don’t you have an answer in defense? Of course you don’t. I told you you were wrong. Accept your mistake.”
If they perceive it as a punishment, you may need to calm them down before they become too aggressive. To do that, ignore everything they say and offer emotional support.
“What are you so upset about? Here, take some water and relax.”
Distracting them from their emotions at this point is a good idea. It can prevent them from having a total mental breakdown.
Similarly, in the depressive phase, it is ideal for you to stay calm and offer emotional support.2Walsh, J., Corcoran, J., Crooks, P., Cooke, N., & Cummings, C. (2016). The lived experience of bipolar disorder: A systematic review and meta-synthesis. Journal of Psychiatry and Mental health, 1(2). When such an episode passes and they have stabilized, that can be a good time to set boundaries or temporarily ignore them.
In sum, either ignore a bipolar as early as possible or when their episode has subsided. Avoid ignoring them when they’re at their worst in the middle of an episode.
Activation of core wounds
If you ignore a bipolar person in the middle of their depressive episode, what’s going on with them will only get worse. They’re likely feeling worthless, and your ignoring will make them feel even more unworthy. They’re already feeling isolated, and your not talking to them will isolate them more. Especially if they have a core wound like “I am bad” or “I am unworthy”.
Depression can lead to thoughts of self-harm.3Weintraub, M. J., Van de Loo, M. M., Gitlin, M. J., & Miklowitz, D. J. (2017). Self-harm, affective traits, and psychosocial functioning in adults with depressive and bipolar disorders. The Journal of nervous and mental disease, 205(11), 896-899 To give you a general rule of thumb: When you’re ignoring a bipolar person and their symptoms get worse, you should immediately stop and provide them with the attention and care they need. If, however, you ignore them at the right times mentioned earlier, you should notice an improvement in their symptoms over time. They’ll slowly return to their normal self.
I recently had an interaction with a bipolar person who was accusing me of all sorts of things. I said absolutely nothing and continued to do what I was doing. I’ve never seen them recover so fast. In contrast, every time I have argued with them, we were both hurt more, and it took them longer to recover.
Reflective mode
Another benefit of ignoring the bipolar person at the right times is that it puts them into reflective mode. In the middle of an episode, they can’t reflect on their behavior, no matter how hard they try or how much you encourage them to do so. Their emotions have a powerful grip on them. They may learn and adjust their behaviors in the future, but I wouldn’t count on it because it’s tough for them to control themselves when the next mood swing hits.
