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Are couples who fight a lot actually more in love?

Published on January 26, 2026
Last updated on January 26, 2026

A grounded look at romantic conflict

Photo of author
Hanan Parvez

MA Psychology

A romantic couple fighting then loving each other

The claim that couples who fight a lot are more in love sounds counterintuitive for good reason. Because it is counterintuitive and counter-logic. Greater love within a romantic bond leads to increased positive interactions and feelings. Constant arguing and fighting breed negative interactions and emotions that have the potential to destroy relationships.1Stanley, S. M., Markman, H. J., & Whitton, S. W. (2002). Communication, conflict, and commitment: Insights on the foundations of relationship success from a national survey. Family process, 41(4), 659-675. It comes down to the simple fact of human nature that we tend to seek pleasure and avoid pain.

Hence, the claim that couples who fight more are automatically more in love is false. It says nothing about what type of conflicts they’re having and how they’re getting resolved, if at all. If couples argue effectively and engage in healthy conflict, that can certainly improve the quality of a romantic relationship and lead to ‘more love’. 

Table Of Contents
  1. The inevitability of relational conflict
  2. So there’s conflict, what now?
  3. Healthy vs. unhealthy conflict resolution
  4. Graphical summary
  5. Patterns reveal intentions

The inevitability of relational conflict

Conflict in any relationship is inevitable because no two individuals’ interests align 100%. This is true for friendships, family relationships, and especially for romantic relationships. At least in family relationships, genetic relatedness helps reach compromises more easily. Friendships are not high stakes, and compromises can be reached easily as well. But compromise seems especially difficult to reach in romantic relationships.

There are two reasons for this:

  1. People rely on their romantic partners for their most important needs, i.e., reproduction and, to some extent, survival as well. Which makes this relationship a high-stakes one.
  2. Romantic partners are not genetically related.2Buss, D. M., & Malamuth, N. (Eds.). (1996). Sex, power, conflict: Evolutionary and feminist perspectives. Oxford University Press. Humans more readily perceive genetically unrelated people as ‘them’ rather than ‘us’.

Evolution of romantic love

Romantic love likely evolved to overcome these points. Strong romantic feelings make people put in extra effort in their love and care that they otherwise wouldn’t. Heavy investment and effort are typically reserved for genetic kin. In other words, benefiting a romantic partner does not automatically benefit one’s own genes. So, cooperation is harder, if not impossible, in such relationships compared to relationships with kin.

When the job of romantic love is done, i.e., bringing two unrelated humans together so they can reproduce, it starts to fade since it has served its purpose. Idealization is no longer needed. Fooling yourself that your partner only has positive traits is no longer necessary. You now see your partner as the flesh-and-bones human being they are, rather than an angel. They have flaws just like you, just like everyone else.

Not surprisingly, idealization plays a key role in relationship satisfaction. Seeing your partner as ideal, and ignoring their flaws and faults, increases the relationship satisfaction.3Murray, S. L., Holmes, J. G., & Griffin, D. W. (1996). The benefits of positive illusions: Idealization and the construction of satisfaction in close relationships. Journal of personality and social psychology, 70(1), 79.

The red flags you previously didn’t even want to talk about now become serious concerns.4Siegert, J. R., & Stamp, G. H. (1994). “Our first big fight” as a milestone in the development of close relationships. Communications Monographs, 61(4), 345-360. The personality differences and differing values, beliefs, opinions, preferences, habits, and lifestyle are now starting grating your soul. You’re off the ship of idealization and on the shore of reality.

Relational power dynamics

When you rely on someone for your important needs, but they’re not related to you, this creates room for power dynamics. Since natural cooperation is hard, you’re likely to try to get from them what you want by gaining an upper hand on them.

Therefore, it’s common to see that one or both partners attempt to gain power over the other, which is a characteristic of the ‘power struggle’ stage. They try to gain power because so much of what they want depends on their partner. Most romantic relationships die at this stage because the partners fail to negotiate power between them. Very few survive and become more or less what we call healthy relationships.

However, that does not mean healthy relationships are without conflict. As a leading relationship researcher said in one of his books:

“Conflict comes with the territory of marriage.”

– John Gottman

Additionally, he observed that conflict severity in unhappy marriages parallels that found in ‘happy’ ones.5Gottman, J. M. (2016). The marriage clinic: A scientifically based marital therapy. WW Norton & Company.

So there’s conflict, what now?

Let’s make some points clear here. Conflicts in romantic relationships and marriages are stressful. They threaten the one relationship you’re betting so much on. Stress and emotional pain not only degrade mental health but also physical health. If relational stress endangers your well-being and there’s little to no hope in sight, the only option is to end it, guilt and shame-free. Not all battles are worth it.

Don’t give in to societal pressure to ‘stick it out’. Where was society when you were getting emotionally or physically abused? They don’t care about you. Their sole aim is your reproduction- strengthening society with additional children. Growth for the sake of growth, as divorce lawyer James Sexton puts it.

Of course, I’m not suggesting quitting at the first sign of conflict. What you should do instead is analyze your conflicts. Ask yourself:

  • What type of conflicts plague my relationship?
  • Do we repeatedly argue over identical issues?
  • Are we fighting better?
  • Are we having fewer and newer conflicts?
Key idea: Understand the pattern of your conflicts. Because once you understand that, only then can you decide whether a relationship is worth saving.
  • If you’re having the same conflict over and over, what underlying issues are you leaving unresolved?
  • If you’re hurtful in every conflict, that could indicate high resentment levels.
  • If your conflicts are only increasing and getting worse, this likely means you or your partner has learned little or nothing from your previous fights.

Conflicts present an opportunity to understand yourself, your partner, and your relationship better. When you resolve them healthily, your bond is likely to strengthen. 

Healthy vs. unhealthy conflict resolution

It’s not what you fight about, but how you fight that determines the trajectory of your relationship. So, knowing how to resolve conflicts in healthy ways is critical. The natural human tendency is to behave in hurtful and unhealthy ways when we perceive that we’ve been hurt. That urge to ‘sting back’ when we ‘feel stung’ comes from the fight part of the fight-and-flight stress response.6Tatkin, S. (2024). Wired for love: How understanding your partner’s brain and attachment style can help you defuse conflict and build a secure relationship. New Harbinger Publications. But both fight and flight (avoidance/stonewalling) responses during conflict can be unhealthy.

Unhealthy ways to deal with conflict

Basically, resorting to emotional/verbal and physical abuse. Expressing anger is okay, but how you do it matters. If you do it in an accusatory manner, your partner is likely to retaliate, perpetuating the attack-defend cycle.9Solomon, M. F., & Tatkin, S. (2011). Love and war in intimate relationships: Connection, disconnection, and mutual regulation in couple therapy. WW Norton & Company. Nothing gets resolved.

Healthy ways

Assertiveness is one of the hardest skills that takes years and decades to develop. All these healthy ways require practice and skill.12Wright, J., & Wright, B. (2016). The Heart of the Fight: A Couple’s Guide to Fifteen Common Fights, What They Really Mean, and How They Can Bring You Closer. New Harbinger Publications. They don’t come naturally, especially when you’re stressed. But if done right, they can yield fruitful results with the right partner.

Let me repeat that: with the right partner.

Who’s a right partner?

The right partner seeks mutual well-being within a relationship. Because if that’s missing, what’s the point of it all? It’s like repeatedly pushing a boulder uphill, only for it to tumble back down, necessitating another push. Just because you’re with someone doesn’t automatically make them the right partner. A right partner has the right intentions. They’re genuinely interested in being with you, working on themselves, and on the relationship.

A wrong partner is power-hungry and only out for themselves. They’re not interested in working on themselves or on the relationship at all. They don’t want to pull their weight. If you’ve sensed these traits in your partner, trying to ‘save’ the relationship will only waste your time and energy. When one side refuses to invest in the relationship, conflict resolution is a futile endeavour.

Beware of manipulative willingness

If you’re the one always working on yourself and your relationship, your toxic and manipulative partner will see that and may try to feign willingness. They know it’s what you want reciprocated. Your conflicts will seem constructive and evolving. You’ll be in awe of your partner’s insightfulness. They’re just trying to win you over.

Once they have you, they no longer have the incentive to keep pretending. You’ll find that your conflicts keep deteriorating. What seemed like progress between you two was merely an illusion. In truth, they resent you for arguing better than them. They never truly outgrew power dynamics. They always wanted themselves to win, not you or even the truth. Issues you thought were long resolved resurface because you were merely given the impression that they were resolved.

Deception is everywhere in nature, especially in sexually reproducing organisms. In humans, it just reaches an advanced psychological level.

Graphical summary

relational conflict as pivot points in romantic relationships and marriages
C = Conflict; HR = Healthy Resolution; UR = Unhealthy Resoultion

Staying in the ‘safe zone’ over time leads to a healthy relationship. Staying in the ‘danger zone’ over time leads to a toxic relationship likely to dissolve. You may hop between the zones, but what matters is where you spend most of your time.

Patterns reveal intentions

Most well-meaning relationship advice that people give is superficial. They give you behaviors to do and bullet points to follow without ever talking about intent. It is often assumed that both parties have positive intent.

When you analyze the patterns of your relationship, ask yourself:

“What do these patterns reveal about the intent of my partner?”

The right person, a healthy person, will mostly have a positive intent, even if they sometimes behave in unhealthy ways. When they realize they’ve hurt you, they’ll be quick to mend things. The willingness is there, and it’s not manipulative. It’s possible that the right person becomes the wrong person for you over time. If that’s the case, they should make their intentions and feelings clear. No one wants to be in an emotionally detached relationship.

See that, again, takes a certain amount of willingness to cooperate. A basic human decency. Outgrowing power dynamics. But no, the wrong partner would rather take the unhealthy and toxic route of deception or even betrayal. Because that’s who they are, a selfish child at their core whose psychological development got arrested at age 9.

References