The word ‘fetish’ comes from the Portuguese feitico, meaning ‘spell’, which in turn comes from the Latin facticius, meaning ‘artificial’ or ‘made up’. Someone with a fetish has sexual interests so deviant that they seem artificial or made up.
Fetishism is indulging in a fetish, and a fetishist is a person having a fetish. Fetishism belongs to a category of sexual behaviors termed paraphilia, from the Greek para, meaning ‘beside, aside’, and philos, meaning ‘loving’. Paraphiliacs indulge in sexual behavior that is beside the norm. Fetishism is a type of paraphilia where the fetishist derives sexual arousal and pleasure from objects, non-sexual body parts, or particular behaviors and situations.
Common fetish objects
Anything that can get fetishized is referred to as a fetish object. Although one can have a fetish for any object or a non-sexual body part, clothing items are the most common type of fetish object.1Wiederman, M. W. (2003). Paraphilia and fetishism. The Family Journal, 11(3), 315-321.
Common fetish objects include:
- Feet2Scorolli, C., Ghirlanda, S., Enquist, M., Zattoni, S., & Jannini, E. A. (2007). Relative prevalence of different fetishes. International Journal of Impotence Research, 19(4), 432-437.
- Shoes
- Hair
- Jackets
- Leather
- Latex
- Lace
- Blood
- Urine
- Obesity
- Height
- Muscles
- Tattoos
- Piercings
- Stockings
- Skirts
- Costumes
- Coats
- Hats
- Underwear
- Necklaces
Fetishes are not limited to inanimate objects and body parts. Any stimulus (information) that can be sensed or thought about can develop into a fetish. Besides things and non-sexual body parts, activities, images, concepts, or situations can also get fetishized.
For example, it turns out that many adults who have a fetish for diapers really have a fetish for being treated like babies. It’s a situation fetish.
Sexual preferences vs. fetishes
A sexual preference is not the same as a fetish. Sexual preferences are specific ways individuals seek to gratify themselves, usually with a sexual partner. A fetish may or may not involve another partner.
Fetishes tend to be stronger and more deviant than sexual preferences.
Most people have standard sexual preferences. Some have specific fetishes. Very few have a fetishistic disorder where their fetish overtakes their sexual preferences and causes them significant distress.
Most people who have fetishes tend to have harmless fetishes that don’t interfere with other areas of their lives. They do not require indulging in their fetish to get sexually aroused. Though they report fetish sex as more satisfying than non-fetish sexual activity.3Rees, G., & Garcia, J. R. (2017). All I need is shoe: An investigation into the obligatory aspect of sexual object fetishism. International Journal of Sexual Health, 29(4), 303-312.
On the other hand, people with fetishistic disorder need fetishism to get sexually aroused. They may not be able to experience sexual arousal in the absence of the fetish object.
Harms of fetishism
It’s not hard to see how over-reliance on a fetish object for sexual gratification can create problems for an individual.
- It may prevent them from forming a healthy relationship with a partner who doesn’t have the same fetish or has no fetish at all.
- A fetishist’s partner may feel that the fetishist is more into the fetish object than into them. They’re not mistaken because those with a fetish tend to fantasize about their fetish when having sex with their partners.
- Indulging in a fetish can have tremendous time and energy costs. Fetishists may spend a lot of time searching for and buying their fetish objects.
- Most people see fetishists as weird or abnormal, and this causes feelings of shame and guilt in the fetishist.
- Some fetishists may indulge in illegal activities or infringe upon the rights of others to pursue their fetish.
What causes fetishism?
Many explanations have been put forth to explain fetishism. Let’s dive into a few that make the most sense:
1. Learned response
If people are not biologically wired to find objects sexually arousing, then it must be a learned response. Learning by classical conditioning is the best and most widely accepted explanation of fetishism.
If you’re new to classical conditioning, here’s a one-paragraph summary of how it works:
When two events occur together, our brains link them. This is because our brains are associating machines. We associate co-occurring things to learn their relationship.
Pavlov’s dogs and cartoons
You must have heard of Pavlov’s dogs. Pavlov’s dogs salivated (biological response) when presented with food. When he rang a bell and presented the food simultaneously a few times, the dogs associated salivation with the bell. Learning by association is strengthened by repetition.
So, when he rang the bell without food, the dogs salivated. Salivation (a biological response) was paired with something that doesn’t typically cause salivation (ringing a bell).
Sexual arousal is a biological response, too. If something causes sexual arousal that doesn’t typically cause sexual arousal (e.g, a fetish), we can reasonably assume there’s classical conditioning going on.
Fetishes tend to develop in childhood and adolescence when people first explore sex and sexual arousal.4Wise, T. N. (1985). Fetishism—Etiology and treatment: A review from multiple perspectives. Comprehensive psychiatry, 26(3), 249-257. Many people can trace the development of their fetishes and fantasies to their earliest intense sexual arousal experiences.
When they first experienced sexual arousal, something in the environment got paired with the biological response and developed into a fetish. Such that exposure to the fetish object led to sexual arousal subsequently.5Larva, M. A., & Rantala, M. J. (2024). An evolutionary psychological approach toward BDSM interest and behavior. Archives of sexual behavior, 53(6), 2253-2267.
Many fetishes stem from cartoon characters, which isn’t all that surprising since children spend a lot of time watching cartoons.
Our brains are highly impressionable during childhood and early adolescence. Any learning through classical conditioning occurring during this time may become deeply ingrained in the psyche.
Fetishes tend to be specific
Classical conditioning explains how almost any stimulus can become a fetish. The fact that fetishes tend to be specific rather than generic lends strong support to the conditioning theory. Instead of fetishizing shoes in general, the fetishist fetishizes a particular brand, shape, color, size, or texture of shoes that got linked to arousal thanks to their specific experience.
Behavior that gets rewarded gets repeated. If a fetishist indulges in their fetish and gets aroused (reward), the fetish feeds itself. So, fetishes are a lot like habits and addictions in this regard.
2. Past unmet needs
Adolescents find themselves in many situations where they get sexually aroused but can’t achieve sexual satisfaction. This creates psychological tension in them that can persist into adulthood.
For instance, if a boy liked a girl with ginger hair in school but couldn’t pursue her, this desire may get stuck in his psyche (Zeigarnik effect) and develop into an unmet need in adulthood. In adult relationships, he may prefer ginger-haired women or ask his partners to paint their hair ginger.
Sometimes a fetish may help the fetishist satisfy a non-sexual unmet need.6Munroe, R. L., & Gauvain, M. (2001). Why the paraphilias? Domesticating strange sex. Cross-cultural research, 35(1), 44-64. There’s this guy who liked being tied to a leash. Upon introspection, he realized that it helped him feel cared for. His parents physically abandoned him as a child.
3. Re-enacting trauma
Traumatic experiences make people feel powerless. They think they can’t control the source of their trauma.
This feeling of a loss of control over their source of trauma can force them to try to regain control over it later in life. They may do this by re-enacting the trauma in safer situations, such as having sex with a trusted partner.
For example, if someone was physically abused as a child, they might like getting physically abused during sex. They’re re-creating their childhood trauma in a safe space so they can get a chance to process it.
I searched a few forums for examples like this, and here’s what people had to say:
Real-life example 1
Example 2
It seems that both classical conditioning and trauma re-enaction were at work here.
Example 3
A good example of a behavior fetish. This excerpt was taken from this Vice article.
4. Sexual imprinting
Konrad Lorenz found that when ducklings and geese hatch, the first thing they see they think is their mother. He had them following him wherever he went, like they would their actual mother. This phenomenon is called imprinting. What many people don’t know is that those baby birds also made sexual advances towards Lorenz when they grew up.
This behavior was labelled sexual imprinting. Sexual imprinting is a well-established phenomenon in animals. It can be defined as a process by which sexual preferences are acquired through early experience with parents and siblings.7Aronsson, H. (2011). Sexual imprinting and fetishism: An evolutionary hypothesis.
In other words, the early contact an animal has with parents and siblings teaches it what its future potential mates should look like. This could explain why so many people are attracted to potential mates who look or behave like their parents.
Where does fetish come in all this?
You must have noticed that almost all common fetishes involve the human body in some way. It could be that during their early contact with caregivers, the fetishist thought that the footwear, clothing, or accessory of the caregiver they sexually imprinted on was part of their body.
For example, a fetishist may fetishize a particular type of sock simply because their mother always wore that sock. His developing infant brain thought the sock was part of her mother, her body.
How to get rid of a fetish
If you feel your fetish is harming you or those around you, you might want to minimize its hold on your life, if not get rid of it completely.
1. Unlinking
If your fetish is a classical conditioning response, you can unlink your fetish object from sexual arousal. To do that, you can resist the urge to indulge in your fetish the next time you’re exposed to your fetish object. When you don’t give in to the desire, you’ll make the urge weaker over time.
Eventually, thinking about or getting exposed to the fetish object may no longer produce the unwanted biological response.
You can also reverse it and try to pair sexual arousal with normal sexual stimuli. Through fantasizing, you can train your mind to get aroused by normal sexual stimuli.8Wong Sarver, N., & Gros, D. F. (2014). A modern behavioral treatment to address fetishism and associated functional impairment. Clinical Case Studies, 13(4), 336-351.
2. Aversion training
You pair your fetish object with something disgusting or fear-inducing. It’s recommended that you do this in a controlled environment with a counselor or a therapist. This method is not for everyone, but it can work.
3. Cognitive approach
The cognitive approach to overcoming fetishism involves using your own thoughts of shame and guilt. If you’re ashamed of your fetish, you can think things like:
“What will my colleagues think when they get to know about my fetish?”
“What will my spouse or children think?”
Shame is a powerful emotion that prevents many people from doing harmful things. Get realistic about your fetish’s time, energy, and relational costs, and you’ll see that the costs outweigh the benefits. You’ll consciously choose not to engage in fetishistic behaviors.
4. Alternate processing
If your fetish stems from childhood trauma, you can find alternative ways to process your trauma. For instance, reliving your trauma in the safe space of a therapeutic setting can help you process it. So can talking about it to a trusted romantic partner or a friend.
5. Counter-intuitive approach
If your fetish stems from a past unmet sexual need, you may be able to get over it by indulging in it more. The Zeigarnik effect seems to play a role in the development of fetishes. It states that we keep thinking about unfinished business.
Part of the appeal of fetishes may come from how difficult it can be to indulge in them. Many fetishes remain in the realm of fantasy and never materialize. So, fetishes tend to have this ‘out of reach’ quality that makes fetishists obsess over them.
If you indulge in a fetish easily and often, the unfinished business in your mind becomes a finished business. You may find that your fetish no longer holds the same charm after you’ve normalized it. Also, once rewards are obtained, they tend to lose value. A fetish is also a reward.
If your fetish is the result of sexual imprinting, there might be nothing you can do about it. Sexual imprinting is irreversible. While the desire will remain, you can control behavior.
Disclaimer: This article is for informational purposes only and is not a substitute for professional help. If you’re struggling, consider reaching out to a qualified mental health professional.
