Signs an avoidant ex misses you

An avoidant attachment style person’s survival or self-protection need overpowers their need for love and connection. This makes it seem like they don’t want relationships at all. But they do because they’re humans, after all.

It’s just that there’s a more potent opposing force preventing them from meeting their connection needs. They fear opening up to people and being vulnerable. This comes in the way of them forming relationships.

So, when an avoidant does form a deep, meaningful relationship, it’s a big deal for them because the chances of that happening were slim to begin with.

Avoidant exes

Avoidants are good at cutting people off from their lives. They are looking for reasons to remove people from their lives. This is their deactivating strategy to avoid getting hurt.

If an avoidant breaks up with someone, they tend to break up cleanly. This means they’ll not miss them or want them back. Although it’s rare, they do miss people they had a great relationship with.

In this article, we’ll look at the signs that show an avoidant ex misses you by focusing on two avoidant attachment styles separately:

  1. Dismissive avoidant (DA)
  2. Fearful avoidant (FA)

Signs a DA ex misses you

DAs tend to value their independence and space highly. They feel trapped in close relationships. They’re less likely than FAs to miss their ex because their connection needs are greatly overshadowed by their need for freedom.

In a rare instance where a DA ex does miss you, they will:

1. Connect indirectly

DAs don’t typically initiate contact, even when they’re in a relationship. They’re even less likely to initiate contact when they’ve broken up with you. In fact, they’re likely to feel relief when a relationship ends.

The burden of giving and receiving love gets lifted off of them.

However, after some time, their desire to reconnect may emerge, and they’ll be tempted to make a bid for connection.

They’ll engage on your social media posts without having to contact you. They’ll send you a non-vulnerable message about something you’re interested in.

They won’t write:

“Hey! How are you? I’ve been thinking about you.”

Even if they do write that, know that they had to overcome great internal resistance to send that message. Their need for connection overpowered their fear of vulnerability, even if temporarily.

They’ll talk about you to a mutual friend. They’ll ‘accidentally’ see you at places you frequently visit.

These indirect bids for connection help them feel safe. They’re testing the waters to see how you’ll react. They want to gauge your interest level. Only when you show sufficient interest back will they start to open up again.

2. They’ll avoid you more

When we break up with someone cleanly, even if we miss them, we’re not awkward around them.

If a DA misses you after a breakup, they’ll avoid you if they see you in a social situation. They’ll have a strong emotional reaction that’ll make them act weird.

It shows that they’re not over you because when DA is over you, they’re really over you. You no longer exist to them; they don’t feel anything when they see you.

Seeing someone they still have feelings for reminds them how wonderful connecting in a relationship can be. And they’re wired to avoid connection. This cognitive dissonance is what causes the awkward behavior.

3. They’ll try to keep you

Since it’s rare for a DA to develop deep bonds with people, they’ll do what they can to salvage their precious connection with you. This usually translates to wanting to stay friends after a breakup.

They highly value their rare connections and try to preserve them. To them, relationships are a lot of work. They’d maximize the benefits of connections they already made rather than go through the troubles of forming new connections and try to be vulnerable again.

Signs an FA ex misses you

FAs want connection and fear it at the same time. Unlike a DA whose relationship fears overshadow their connection needs, FAs equally want and fear connection.

1. Strong emotions

FAs experience strong emotions when they’re in a relationship. They’re hypervigilant about the relationship. They’ll be in ecstasy when the relationship is going well and in a severe bad mood when something bad happens.

As friends of FAs can relate, their reactions to these events seem unnecessarily extreme.

They’ll show a similar pattern after they break up with you but still have feelings for you. Their emotions pertaining to the relationship, or lack thereof, will still be strong.

They’ll react angrily when someone mentions you and storm out of the room. When talking about the good moments of the relationship, it’ll seem like they’re on cloud nine- like they’re still in the relationship.

They’re probably over you if their hotness and coldness towards you fades after the breakup.

2. Inconsistent communication

Because FAs simultaneously fear and need connection, if they miss you, their attempts at reconnecting may be inconsistent. They’ll initiate contact, spend a lot of time with you, and then disappear for days. Then come back again and disappear again.

This reflects their internal conflict; they probably showed the same patterns in their relationship with you.

3. They’ll lash out at you

If you’re the one who broke up with them, they might become hostile towards you.

When you break up with an FA, they see it as a rejection. They see it as you undermining their worth as a human being.

They’ll likely use harsh words against you and undermine your worth in return.

A clear sign that they’re still not over you.