Having kids is such a default aspect of human life that if you asked someone why they want kids, they’d probably reply- in a tone of disbelief- with something like:
“What do you mean?!”
It’s something you’re not supposed to question. It’s something that everyone does by default. In worst-case scenarios, you may get judged negatively for even asking that question.
The fundamental drive
Reproduction is a fundamental drive of all life forms, and humans are no different. There are many instances in the natural world where the desire to reproduce even trumps the desire to survive- another core drive of all life forms. Think of a praying mantis or a black widow spider.
Humans are perhaps the only species that can question their basic instinct of reproduction. Other animals may wonder if reproduction is worth it, too. However, we have no way of knowing if they do.
Humans are likely the only species in which the rational part of their brain has become so advanced that they question the very thing their rational brains evolved for- reproductive success.
Human babies are vulnerable and require extended periods of care. There is a theory that we have advanced cognitive abilities thanks to our extended childhoods.1Uomini, N., Fairlie, J., Gray, R. D., & Griesser, M. (2020). Extended parenting and the evolution of cognition. Philosophical Transactions of the Royal Society B, 375(1803), 20190495. This extended care period facilitated the development of advanced cognitive skills, including rational thinking.
Ironically, we can use these very cognitive skills to wonder if it’s worth having kids.
Reasons people want kids
Let’s dive straight into the different reasons people want kids:
1. Parenting is a basic, biological instinct
Like attraction, aggression, hunger, and thirst, parenting is also a basic instinct. People are hardwired to care for their young ones. Reproduction is the ultimate goal of evolution. Almost everything people do in their lives, directly or indirectly, is an attempt to enhance their reproductive success.
Some people think parenthood is solely the result of societal conditioning. The idea is that people want children because they see others wanting children as well. If they lived in a society without parents, they wouldn’t want to be parents. Not true.
Role of hormones
Parenting is a hormone-driven, evolved instinct regulated by the emotional part- or the limbic system- of the brain.2Numan, M. (2020). The parental brain: mechanisms, development, and evolution. Oxford University Press. While human parenting is undoubtedly different in some respects from the parental care exhibited by other animals, the basic pattern of human child-rearing is similar to that of other primates.3Bjorklund, D. F., & Yunger, J. (2001). Evolutionary developmental psychology: A useful framework for evaluating the evolution of parenting. Parenting, 1(1-2), 63-66.
The hormone oxytocin plays a crucial role in parenting. It facilitates childbirth and bonding through touch and social interaction. It contributes significantly to the formation of parent-child attachment.4Bell, D. C. (2001). Evolution of parental caregiving. Personality and social psychology review, 5(3), 216-229.
Parental behaviors are triggered by oxytocin. If you take oxytocin-rich blood from a female rat who’s just given birth and inject it into a virgin female rat, this triggers maternal behaviors in the latter.5Panksepp, J. (2004). Affective neuroscience: The foundations of human and animal emotions. Oxford university press.
2. Social pressure
We’re mammals who have evolved in social groups. The larger a group, the stronger it is, and the more likely it is to gain access to resources that enhance reproduction. The stronger a group, the more its members benefit. So, ‘society’ pressures group members to increase the number of group members.
This is why there is so much social pressure on people, especially couples, to have kids. This doesn’t mean people don’t want to have kids and are only pressured into having them. It means that many people end up having kids before they’re ready, thanks to this societal pressure.
The pressure comes not only from one’s immediate family —parents and siblings looking to replicate more of their genes —but also from extended family members, friends, and random strangers. They all benefit to some degree if there are more humans in their society.
Of course, having kids out of social pressure is not a good idea. If you’re not ready to have kids, you’re probably not going to do an excellent job raising them. Societal pressure to reproduce increases the quantity of humans without regard to their quality.
Evolution is frequency-dependent and blind to quality. It just throws copies of genetic material onto the wall of nature to see what sticks.
3. Saving a relationship/marriage
Some people want kids because they think it’ll help them save their failing marriage or relationship. It’s a way to tie yourself to your partner through the responsibilities of parenthood, ensuring the relationship survives. Both partners want to care for the kids, so both stay in the relationship. Of course, this is not the right reason for having children.
Partners should address their relationship issues before considering having children. Dragging kids into the picture will not solve the problems plaguing the relationship. Ending an unhealthy relationship is much better than bringing kids into a dysfunctional environment.
4. Curiosity
Some people say they want to have kids because they’re curious to experience what parenthood is like. They’ve daydreamed about having a family all their lives. They probably want to parent their kids differently than they were parented and see how that turns out. To these curious individuals, parenthood is an experiment from which they expect to learn a great deal.
5. Excitement
Most people find modern life boring. They feel trapped in their routines and want to do something different. Desiring children could be a way to escape the boredom. Adults tend to lose interest in life. They can revive that interest by having kids. Children get excited about every little thing that adults often overlook.
6. Satisfaction and joy
According to parents, the satisfaction derived from creating another human, caring for them, and watching them grow is unlike anything else. Non-parents can’t understand that. If you’ve ever cared for a pet or a younger relative, you may know what it feels like to experience the joy and satisfaction that comes with caring and nurturance.
7. Parental love
You might argue that one could experience the same joy and satisfaction in other relationships. Sure, but a parent-child relationship is something totally different. As many have said, parental love is unlike any other type of love. It explains why parents often make great sacrifices for their children.
8. Purpose
Having kids can give one purpose if it has been missing in their lives. Having kids is one way to be passionate and lead a purpose-driven life. If you already have a purpose, good for you. Having kids will add another layer of purpose to your life, making it more meaningful.
9. Companionship
A couple may feel lonely and try to fill that gap by having kids. Especially as couples age, they tend to become lonelier. Having children who can care for you and provide companionship when you’re older can be wonderful.
10. Self-improvement
The responsibilities that come with having children can force people to improve themselves. Because they have to care for another life, they want to be able to care for themselves first.
In entrepreneurship, there is a phenomenon known as ‘the baby effect’. Entrepreneurs may keep procrastinating on their goals. When they have a baby, things change. They realize they can no longer procrastinate like they used to. And they don’t, reaching new heights of success.
11. Stress relief
Even if you’re not a parent, you’ve probably experienced how stress-relieving it can be to spend time with kids. Of course, you don’t have to have kids to experience this kind of stress relief. But parents say there’s nothing more stress-relieving than a kid’s smile and laughter.
12. Raising self-esteem
When we contribute to society, our self-esteem is raised. Producing children is also a form of contribution. So, it’s bound to raise our self-esteem and make us look good in the eyes of others. People who don’t have children are often perceived as selfish, immature, and irresponsible.
Cons of parenthood
Of course, parenthood is not all sunshine and rainbows. There are risks and costs associated with it that make some people reluctant to have kids.
1. Parenting is costly
Parenting is costly in terms of time, energy, and money. If you value freedom highly, you may want to think twice about having children. If you’re not in a place in your life right now where you’re certain you can devote significant amounts of time, energy, and money to raising kids, then it may not be a good idea.
2. Constant stress
Kids are both stress-relieving and stress-inducing. Parents say they’re always worried and stressed out about their kids. Some people cannot tolerate high levels of constant stress.
3. Poor sleep
I’ve heard parents say that sleep gets disrupted the most when you’ve kids. Sleep is critical for mental and physical well-being. When you’re sleep-deprived, you’re more likely to engage in bad habits.
4. Marital issues
Before having kids, your partner is your top priority. As soon as you have a kid, that can change. Your kid now becomes your top priority. Evolution is like:
“I made you two fall in love with each other, so you could stay together and have a baby. Now that that’s done, those emotions are no longer needed. Time to engulf you two in parental love for your kid.”
No wonder, then, that the birth of a child is associated with a decrease in the mothers’ and fathers’ relationship quality and functioning.6Doss, B. D., Rhoades, G. K., Stanley, S. M., & Markman, H. J. (2009). The effect of the transition to parenthood on relationship quality: an 8-year prospective study. Journal of personality and social psychology, 96(3), 601.
5. Environmental concerns
The world is already overpopulated as it is. We not only destroy the environment with overpopulation, but it also brings problems for humans. People have been raising false alarms of ‘falling birth rates’ for more than 100 years.7Hollingworth, L. S. (1916). Social devices for impelling women to bear and rear children. American Journal of Sociology, 22(1), 19-29. Yet, the human population continues to increase.
6. Not interested in being a parent
A large survey asked people what their number one reason was for not having kids, and ‘not interested’ came out as the top reason.8Qu, L., & Weston, R. (2001). Men’s and women’s reasons for not having children. Family matters, (58), 10-15. These are people who have probably weighed the pros and cons of having kids and decided that it’s not for them. Biological urges are just that- urges. They are not compulsions.
