14 Fearful-Avoidant triggers (With examples & core wounds)

The Fearful-Avoidant (FA) or Disorganized attachment style is an insecure type of attachment style in which a person both wants and fears connection intensely. FAs have high avoidance, associated with distance-seeking or deactivating strategies, and high anxiety, associated with closeness-seeking or hyper-activating strategies.¹ They tend to have a negative self-image and a negative view of others.²

The FA attachment develops as a result of early interactions with caregivers that were likely emotionally chaotic, unpredictable, and abusive. The disorganized child and adult can’t decide whether or not they should seek connection. Connection is associated with pain, and so is distance. So they flip-flop between wanting connection and avoiding it.³

FAs tend to show the highest levels of:

As a result of what they’ve been through, they develop certain core psychological wounds. Their triggers can be best understood in the context of those core wounds.

FA core wounds

Core wounds are deep, psychological wounds typically developed in early childhood, which describe how an individual perceives themselves, their situation, other people, or the world. These are often unconscious because the mind tends to compartmentalize painful memories and emotions.

The following are the main core wounds of the FA style:

“I will be betrayed.”
“I’m not safe.”
“I’m powerless, helpless, & trapped.”
“I’m not enough.”
“I’m bad.”
“I’m taken advantage of or used.”
“I’m unseen/unheard.”
“I don’t matter.”
“I’m unloved.”
“I’m unworthy.”
“I will be rejected/abandoned.”
“I’m stupid.”
“I’m out of control.”
“I’m weak.”

Triggers

1. Emotional vulnerability

FAs are great during the initial stages of a relationship. They are attentive, charming, and present. But as soon as the relationship gets close to the point of intimacy and vulnerability, they feel afraid and unsafe.

For example, someone asking them to share something deeply personal may trigger them. A partner who says, “You’re everything I ever wanted”, signaling dependence, might trigger them as well.

Core wounds activated

“I’m not safe.” (“They’re trying to get too close.”)
“I will be betrayed.” (“If I get close and reveal my secrets.”)
“I will be rejected/abandoned.” (“They don’t mean what they’re saying.”)
“I’m unworthy.” (“I can’t be anyone’s everything.”)

2. Perceived judgment

Since they have a negative view of themselves, if anyone judges them negatively or appears to be criticizing them, they feel hurt. Because they’re criticizing themselves too much, they don’t want others to do the same. That results in an overflow of their ‘amount-of-criticism-I-can-tolerate’ tank.

For example, even gentle feedback like “You didn’t handle that well” might trigger them. They already feel shame for having emotions. Judging them for how they express their feelings can also trigger them.

Core wounds activated

“I’m not enough.”
“I’m bad.”
“I’m stupid.”
“I’m unworthy.”

3. Fear of abandonment or rejection

Since their primary caregivers were chaotic and unpredictable, they became hypervigilant to changes in availability or attention. They constantly mentally keep track of how available their attachment figure is. Any minor change to that affects them.

For example, a partner taking longer than usual to reply to their texts. Or friends going out without inviting them.

Core wounds activated

“I will be rejected/abandoned.”
“I don’t matter.”
“I’m unloved.”

4. Unpredictability

When they sense a lack of emotional stability and predictability in others, it creates a sense of chaos and danger. They’re already emotionally unstable themselves, so that quality in others can be too much to handle.

For example, a partner shifting from warm to cold without explanation can trigger them. They also get triggered when others tell them vague things like “We’ll see.” They prefer clarity and, when receiving advice, step-by-step instructions.

Core wounds activated

“I’m out of control.”
“I’m not safe.”
“I will be betrayed.”

5. Feeling trapped or smothered

Too much closeness or dependency on others can suffocate them. That will make their avoidant side want to pull away.

For example, a partner wanting constant contact and reassurance can be triggering for them. Another example would be feeling pressure to commit to a relationship.

Core wounds activated

“I’m powerless, helpless, and trapped.”
“I’m not safe.”
“I’m being used.”

6. Emotional intensity

Heightened emotional intensity can feel overwhelming and unsafe for them. It brings back memories of their emotionally intense and unsafe childhood environment.

For example, an emotionally charged argument can trigger them. So can someone crying intensely or having an outburst during a conversation.

Core wounds activated

“I’m out of control.”
“I’m weak.”
“I’m not safe.”

8. Betrayal

FAs are sensitive to betrayal, big or small. It’s one of their biggest fears.

For instance, they can get triggered when someone lies to them, even if it’s a small lie. Also when when others fail to keep their promises.

Core wounds activated

“I will be betrayed.”
“I’m unseen/unheard.”
“I don’t matter.”

9. Passive aggression

Since FAs like and prefer honesty and transparency, indirectness and emotional dishonesty, as seen in passive-aggressive behavior, can be triggering for them.

For example, someone saying “I’m fine” but having a pissed-off facial expression. Other passive-aggressive tactics, such as sarcasm and backhanded compliments, are unlikely to be well-received by them.

Core wounds activated

“I will be betrayed.”
“I’m not safe.”
“I’m stupid.”
“I’m out of control.”

10. Emotional dismissal or neglect

Since they’ve experienced significant emotional dismissal and neglect in their past, experiencing the same now brings back painful memories.

For example, they can get triggered when they ask for attention and get told, “I’m busy”. In the triggered state, they fail to consider the other person’s priorities and schedule. Similarly, being told “You’re overreacting” when they exhibit normal emotional responses to a situation can also trigger them.

Core wounds activated

“I’m unseen/unheard.”
“I’m unloved.”
“I don’t matter.”
“I’m unworthy.”

11. Conflict

Emotionally charged conflicts can be highly triggering and disturbing for them.

For example, a partner saying, “We need to talk now” in a heated tone. Or someone raising their voice in a disagreement. Interestingly, FAs themselves tend to have sharp tongues, but they can’t tolerate it in others and prefer to be around calm people.

Core wounds activated

“I’m not safe.”
“I’m powerless, helpless, and trapped.”
“I’m weak.”

12. Feeling unworthy or inadequate

FAs have a shame wound that gets triggered whenever others make them look bad in any way.

For example, failures and mistakes, even small ones, tend to trigger them. While others may easily get over these, FAs can’t. Similarly, negative labels of any kind can trigger them.

Core wounds activated

“I’m not enough.”
“I’m bad.”
“I’m stupid.”
“I’m unworthy.”

13. Emotional withdrawal

Minor signs of emotional detachment in others can trigger their fear of abandonment.

For example, a partner is quieter than usual after a long day. Or the partner forgetting a meaningful date, like an anniversary.

Core wounds activated

“I will be rejected/abandoned.”
“I don’t matter.”
“I’m unloved.”

14. Hurting others

FAs tend to have high empathy and avoid hurting others as much as they can. This is essentially the ‘fawn’ trauma response that makes them feel guilty when they do the slightest thing that could hurt another.

For example, they can feel guilty even for setting boundaries. Distancing or going no-contact, even from a toxic person or situation, can induce immense guilt.

Core wounds activated

“I’m bad.”
“I’m unworthy.”
“I’m powerless.”
“I will be rejected.”

References

1
Mikulincer, M., Shaver, P. R., & Pereg, D. (2003). Attachment theory and affect regulation: The dynamics, development, and cognitive consequences of attachment-related strategies. Motivation and emotion, 27, 77-102.
2
Yip, J., Ehrhardt, K., Black, H., & Walker, D. O. (2018). Attachment theory at work: A review and directions for future research. Journal of Organizational Behavior, 39(2), 185-198.
3
Mikulincer, M., & Shaver, P. R. (2003). The attachment behavioral system in adulthood: Activation, psychodynamics, and interpersonal processes. Advances in experimental social psychology, 35, 56-152.
4
Shaver, P. R., & Mikulincer, M. (2008). Adult attachment and cognitive and affective reactions to positive and negative events. Social and Personality Psychology Compass, 2(5), 1844-1865.