Having children is a social norm. Not only are you genetically programmed to reproduce, but society also pushes you to do it. People who can’t have kids because of infertility or situational reasons feel great distress because they wanted kids but couldn’t have them. They’re breaking a social norm, but not intentionally. Society doesn’t judge them too harshly.
On the other hand, if you happen to be Voluntarily Childfree (VC), i.e., you choose not to have kids despite being able to, it’s an entirely different story. You’re deliberately breaking a widely-held social norm. And, as you’ve probably known and experienced, society doesn’t take that too kindly.1Shapiro, G. (2014). Voluntary childlessness: A critical review of the literature. Studies in the Maternal, 6(1).
Reproduce At All Costs (RAAC)
Humans, like other animals, are wired to reproduce at all costs. Survival and reproduction are the most fundamental and powerful drives. Given the behavior of many animals, the drive to reproduce may even take precedence over the drive to survive.
- There’s a female spider that lets her offspring eat her to death so the latter can survive. I saw it in a documentary, and it fascinated me.
- Male honeybees die soon after mating. The very act of mating is lethal for them.
- The female octopus starves to death protecting her eggs.
- The famous male praying mantis gets his head bitten off right after mating.
I’m sure you know many who get their heads bitten off regularly, figuratively, because they decided to reproduce.
Seeing the pros only
We have psychological mechanisms that close our eyes to the costs of reproduction. That our partner will be the ideal human being. That our kids will be cute, innocent, kind, and diligent. We think our family will be the perfect family. We have to keep those ideal images alive in our minds because if we don’t, we might decide to forsake reproduction.
When you fall in love, your brain fools you into focusing only on the positive traits of your partner. How can something that deceives you ultimately be beneficial to you? What’s the mind trying to hide from you with deception? It’s the cons of reproducing. Even though most relationships are toxic and most families dysfunctional, people continue to pursue these avenues, thinking their situation will be somehow different, better.
If you’re VC, you’ve likely concluded that the cons of reproducing aren’t worth the pros.2Bhambhani, C., & Inbanathan, A. (2020). Examining a non-conformist choice: The decision-making process toward being childfree couples. International Journal of Sociology, 50(5), 339-368. You’ve likely thought it through and made a rational decision. Most don’t think these things through. They do it because they have to. Because it’s what you do. Because it’s what everyone does. The power of RAAC.
Perception of the VC
Much of the adverse psychological effects of deciding to be VC come from how people perceive you. When you break a deeply and dearly held social norm, you get ostracized. You are a “Them” to people who want to have kids and parents. Their “Us vs Them” mentality makes them judge you negatively. They see you as someone who doesn’t belong to their elite group of reproducers.
People who don’t have kids are perceived as:
- Selfish3Park, K. (2005). Choosing childlessness: Weber’s typology of action and motives of the voluntarily childless. Sociological inquiry, 75(3), 372-402.
- Materialistic
- Individualistic
- Career-oriented
- Ambitious
- Maladjusted
- Self-fulfilled
- Socially undesirable4Ekelund, M., & Ask, K. (2021). Stigmatization of voluntarily childfree women and men in the UK. Social Psychology.
- Less nurturant
- Less mature5Kemkes, A. (2008). Is perceived childlessness a cue for stereotyping? Evolutionary aspects of a social phenomenon. Biodemography and Social Biology, 54(1), 33-46.
- Less fulfilled
- Less happy
- Less loving6Agrillo, C., & Nelini, C. (2008). Childfree by choice: A review. Journal of cultural geography, 25(3), 347-363.
- Emotionally unstable
Psychological effects of being VC
I won’t separate the effects based on whether they’re caused by your own internal state or because of other people’s negative judgments. Because, while they can be distinct, they’re mostly overlapping. Why wouldn’t they be? The reproduction imperative is enforced by both your biology/psychology and society (which is nothing but the biology/psychology of a bunch of people).
Instead, I’ll provide an exhaustive list of effects so you can decide which applies to you and why:
- Distress
- Loss and grief
- Social isolation7Van Balen, F., & Bos, H. M. (2009). The social and cultural consequences of being childless in poor-resource areas. Facts, views & vision in ObGyn, 1(2), 106.
- Stigmatization8Park, K. (2002). Stigma management among the voluntarily childless. Sociological perspectives, 45(1), 21-45.
- Regret
- Anxiety
- Depression
- Marital instability (if both partners aren’t VC)
- Harassment (mostly by relatives)
- Status loss
- Feelings of shame, blame, and guilt (seen as a ‘failure’)
- Fear of being ‘left on the shelf’
- Irritability
- Bitterness
- Sense of purposelessness
- Cognitive dissonance
The more a society is accepting of reproductive choice, like the many Western individualistic cultures, the less these adverse effects. The less a society is accepting of reproductive choice, like the many Eastern collectivist cultures, the greater these adverse effects.9Tanaka, K., & Johnson, N. E. (2016). Childlessness and mental well-being in a global context. Journal of family issues, 37(8), 1027-1045.
Negative emotions
Distress, anxiety, depression, regret, and feelings of loss are all expected when you decide not to reproduce. These feelings are designed to motivate you to change your decision. No matter how rational your decision, it’s essential to remember that the logical part of the brain is weaker than the emotional part.
Irritability, bitterness, and a sense of purposelessness can be indicators of depression, and I recommend seeking help if the depression is unmanageable.
Harassment by relatives
You’ll notice that your friends may be unbothered, or even supportive of your decision. But you’re relatives are likely to pester you. They’ll push you to change your mind the most. This is explained by inclusive fitness theory. If you reproduce, they have to gain because they share some of their genes with you. Your reproductive success is also their reproductive success.
Status loss
When you reproduce, you add value to society in the form of a child. Human society, like a bacterial colony, wants to keep expanding. The more members a group has, the stronger it becomes. It’s like a pyramid scheme. Your individual values and happiness mean nothing to the group.
When you decide not to reproduce, you refuse to make the group stronger. You’re not seen as someone who’s adding value. If you’re not seen as someone who adds value, you’re likely to be perceived as someone who takes value or cheats the system. Status loss induces shame.
Fear of being ‘left on the shelf’
If you’re young, your body and mind will likely continue to push you to reproduce, as the time is ripe. This is worse for women who have a biological clock to worry about. The sense of urgency you feel is enough to overpower the more rational side of your brain that may want to list down the pros and cons of such a big, irreversible decision.
Cognitive dissonance
Cognitive dissonance occurs when we hold two or more opposing beliefs, needs, or desires simultaneously in our minds. You’re programmed to have kids. That’s one desire. At the same time, you have decided not to. That’s a conflicting desire bound to cause cognitive dissonance. As a result of this internal conflict, you may doubt your decision. You’ll ruminate over your decision.
“Do I really not want kids?”
This is not an easy cognitive dissonance to resolve, as you have a strong opponent to overcome: biological/societal programming. Expect your mind to keep trying to change your mind.
Deciding to be VC also has positive effects like having more freedom and autonomy, more time and resources, and zero spousal and parental stress.10Koropeckyj‐Cox, T. (2002). Beyond parental status: Psychological well‐being in middle and old age. Journal of Marriage and Family, 64(4), 957-971. Of course, your mind will frequently push these pros under the carpet and pull your attention toward what you’re lacking.
Coping with the decision
Negative emotions fade
You’ll likely experience the negative emotions listed above, but they won’t last. According to the hedonic treadmill theory, no matter how positive or negative our experience, the associated feelings eventually subside. Eventually, your happiness will reach a set point level.
Additionally, stepping back from your emotions and understanding what they’re trying to accomplish is not only a valuable metacognitive skill to develop, but also makes emotions lose their power over you.
An extensive review of research showed that there’s either no difference in the life satisfaction of parents versus the VC or the VC have more life satisfaction.11Stahnke, B., Cooley, M. E., & Blackstone, A. (2023). A systematic review of life satisfaction experiences among childfree adults. The Family Journal, 31(1), 60-68. So it’s not that by deciding to be VC you’re resigning yourself to a lifetime of misery. People who often complain about being miserable are usually in toxic relationships and/or dysfunctional families.
Dealing with the stigma
Since you’re rejecting a major social norm, you can’t expect people to welcome you with open arms everywhere you go. There must be people who support your decision. If not, find them. Build your support network to foster a sense of acceptance and belonging. But don’t use it as a crutch. You should be confident enough to stand alone for what you believe in. Don’t defend, justify, or explain your decision to people who you don’t think will understand.
Resolve the cognitive dissonance
Much of your coping will have to do with resolving your own internal cognitive dissonance about your decision. People’s judgment will affect you to the extent to which you believe there’s something wrong with your decision. If your internal conflict is unresolved, you’ll overreact negatively to questions like:
“When are you having children?”
If you’re confident in your decision, you’ll expect such questions and answer them gracefully or not at all, per your wish.
Don’t judge
Another sign that your internal conflict is unresolved is that you’ll judge parents and those who want kids. What’s the point? Why blame them for what they’re genetically programmed to do? People want to validate their life decisions by criticizing others who make different life decisions. If your decision is rational versus emotional, you shouldn’t need to validate it.
Don’t recruit
You don’t need to recruit anyone. You’re not starting a cult. Let people do what they want with their lives, as you expect them to let you do what you want with yours. Trying to convince people that you’re right is a sign that you don’t fully believe you’re right. Avoid broaching the topic of having children unless someone else brings it up.
Quit performing
In your attempt to prove that you’re right, you might be tempted to show people that you made the right decision. For instance, you might brag about your freedom or post “I’m so happy with my decision” pictures on social media. If you’re doing it from a genuine place of sharing every once in a while, that’s fine. But if you’re doing it compulsively and excessively, it’s likely coming from a dark place where you’re trying to prove others wrong, inferior, or irrational.
The law of compensation operates 24/7 in the human psyche. We overcompensate for what we lack. People who lack happiness are more likely to overcompensate for it by putting on big displays of happiness. When your internal conflict is resolved, you won’t feel the need to prove anything to anyone. You’ll keep things normal.
Stick to your values
You probably decided to be VC because it strongly aligns with your core values. In my experience, your values are the strongest predictors of well-being. Children or no children, constantly be optimizing your life for your values. They never lead you astray.
