That humans can be both selfish and altruistic is one of the biggest paradoxes of human nature. Altruism, or prosocial behavior or kindness, is innate in humans.1Warneken, F., & Tomasello, M. (2009). The roots of human altruism. British Journal of Psychology, 100(3), 455-471. The roots of human kindness lie in parental caregiving, which provided a template, a physiological and hormonal system that allows humans to be caring, cooperative, and kind.2Ricard, M. (2015). Altruism: The power of compassion to change yourself and the world. Atlantic Books Ltd.
But of course, human kindness is selective. We tend to help those who can help our genes the most. First, we tend to help ourselves the most since we are 100% of our own genes. Then, we are kind to our genetic relatives and our spouse, who can give us more genetic relatives (kids). The more closely related, the kinder we are. After that, we help our extended relatives. Lastly, we’re kind to the friends with whom we form reciprocal relationships.
Sure, some friends may be closer to you than some relatives, but this is the general trend. Being kind to a stranger who can give you nothing in return is rare, which is why it gets seen as heroic and elicits a “wow” reaction from observers. But humans never do anything that doesn’t have the potential to ultimately benefit them or their genes.
Related: The psychology of self-sacrifice
Kindness is risky
Kindness can be defined as behaving in a way that is costly for you but benefits the other. That makes sense, but it’s not that simple because there is typically a benefit for you in it, but it’s delayed. It’s normal for humans to expect a future benefit later for their present kindness. We expect to form a reciprocal relationship with the people we help.
Plus, kindness feels good and increases our well-being.3Rowland, L. (2018). Kindness: Society’s golden chain. Psychologist, 31, 30-35. These benefits can offset the costs of kindness. If kindness didn’t have these benefits, it wouldn’t have evolved.
Despite these potential benefits, kindness puts you at risk.
- What if the one you help doesn’t help you later?
- What if they exploit you by asking for favors repeatedly while giving little or nothing in return?
Why it is seen as weakness
1. The weak are taken advantage of
Strong people are capable of defending themselves and unlikely to get taken advantage of. Those who are exploited by others are seen as weak, unable to defend themselves. They have less power. The strong have more power. The strong can defend themselves because they can be aggressive.
The weak, on the other hand, can’t be aggressive. If aggression is associated with strength, then a lack of it is bound to be associated with weakness.
Humans are a power-aware species who have a good understanding of how much power they have in relation to others. Status correlates with power. Powerless, exploitable people are seen as low-status, more so by the power-hungry, dark triad personalities.4Bereczkei, T. (2017). Machiavellianism: The psychology of manipulation. Routledge. There’s this natural contempt that people feel for those who are exploited.
This is why so many negative things get spoken about the victim and how they could’ve done better versus criticizing the actions of the abuser/exploiter. The culture of victim-blaming is rampant. The assumption is that if you are strong, you shouldn’t get exploited, ever.
2. Power move by the taker
When you make someone feel powerless, they are motivated to regain power. When you help someone, you are creating a giver-taker dynamic. The giver is more powerful than the taker. As a giver, you may genuinely want to help the taker, but the sense of power or even superiority that you feel is undeniable. When you feel superior to someone, that means the other has been framed as inferior. It’s natural for them to feel inferior and powerless, even if that wasn’t your intention. Even if they don’t admit it.
So the taker, frustrated at this loss of power, might attack your kindness. They may question your true motives and call your kindness fake. They may even call it weak. They’re just trying to put themselves back into a more powerful position.
This explains why people fight over who’s going to pay the bill so much. No one wants to be a taker. Not just because they don’t want to burden others but also because it’s a weak, powerless position to be in. The simple solution to this pervasive problem can be:
“I’ll pay today. You can pay next time.”
It works every time because it prevents the formation of the giver-taker dynamic. Both are givers, and both are takers. The giving and the taking cancel each other. No one gains power, no one loses it. The same is true for any healthy relationship. Overall, the giving and taking cancel each other out. No one is giving or taking more.
3. Shadow projection
Our shadow is a set of personality traits, usually negative, in us that we refuse to face. Say you are selfish but deny it. When you come across a generous and kind person, you get reminded of your own selfishness. What they are reminds you of what you’re not. You notice a glaring difference between how they are versus how you are. It’s called the contrast effect in the psychology of perception.
At this point, it’s easier to attack who they are versus facing your shadow. You’re likely to dismiss or criticize their kindness, calling it fake or weak. Their kindness clashed with your identity. We tend to preserve our identity when it is threatened.
3. Feminine behavior
Men’s kindness is more likely to be perceived as weakness.5Nielson, M. G., Padilla‐Walker, L., & Holmes, E. K. (2017). How do men and women help? Validation of a multidimensional measure of prosocial behavior. Journal of Adolescence, 56(1), 91-106. The reason for this will become clear when you look at it from an evolutionary lens.
Since men compete for status in a dominance hierarchy, they are expected to be dominant and climb to the top levels of the hierarchy. That’s how they increase their value in the dating marketplace and in society. Climbing the hierarchy and being a provider is seen as masculine behavior.
Women, on the other hand, play a major role in nurturing and caring for offspring. I said earlier that human kindness has roots in parental caregiving. So kindness, nurturing, and caring are seen as feminine behavior.6Contandriopoulos, D., Stake-Doucet, N., & Schilling, J. (2024). Fake kindness, caring and symbolic violence. Nursing ethics, 31(6), 1041-1049. Femininity is associated with softness and weakness. So when a man is kind and caring, he’s seen as soft and weak.
4. People-pleasing
It’s difficult to separate kindness from people-pleasing. The behaviors are the same. The difference lies in the motives. Two people could be engaging in the same kind behavior but for different reasons. When people-pleasing drives kindness more than a genuine desire to help, it is seen as weak.
It’s seen as weak because you’re trying to use kindness as a tool to please others, gain validation and acceptance, and boost reputation. When you want to be seen as a good person, that comes from a place of lack; a place of not being a good person. When you know you’re a good person, you don’t have to prove it. It will show. You have to keep being you. Your kindness is a trait that cuts across contexts and situations, which shows that you’re not trying to gain something specific from your kindness.
And people see through it. They see you trying to prove that you’re a kind person, and they hate it. As one study7Berman, J. Z., & Silver, I. (2022). Prosocial behavior and reputation: When does doing good lead to looking good?. Current opinion in psychology, 43, 102-107. put it:
“Prosocial actors are castigated as disingenuous braggarts, empty virtue signalers, or holier-than-thou hypocrites.”
People-pleasing has its roots in the fawn trauma response. It is:
- A desperate attempt to get approval and acceptance
- Kindness without boundaries and assertiveness
- Saying “Yes” to every request
- Self-abandonment
Being kind should feel good. When it doesn't, it's likely self-abandonment. It's disempowering and you can almost feel power leaking from your body.
Genuine kindness is a choice. It is:
- Wanting to build a relationship
- Wanting to build trust and goodwill
- Kindness with boundaries and assertiveness
- Saying “No” when required
- Kindness without self-abandonment
I disagree with the definition of 'true kindness' as kindness that does not expect anything back. Reciprocity is at the core of human nature.
Being unkind
When you are kind and get taken advantage of, it’s easy to jump from being good to being bad, from being submissive to being aggressive:
“I won’t be nice from now on. I’ll show them.”
It’s a natural defense mechanism, a self-protection tactic. You want to avoid being taken advantage of in the future. Instead of taking ‘the jump’, I’d suggest you try assertiveness. It’s the middle ground between being passive and being aggressive. You remain kind, but you also don’t let others take advantage of you.
If you drop kindness, you’d be going against your nature. You’d be depriving yourself of the social and well-being benefits of kindness. Of course, blind kindness to everyone is not a good idea. Instead, show your kind side to people who appreciate it. Selective kindness doesn’t mean you’re horrible to people who fall outside your ‘circle of kindness’. It means you’re careful who you’re kind to because kindness is risky.
If you see yourself as a kind person, then being unkind will decrease your self-respect. Choosing ‘being bad’ because kindness gets seen as weakness would then be a betrayal of who you are and who you want to be. Being bad because being good is seen as weak is a form of slavery because your self-worth is too reliant on how others see you. Who cares how it is ‘seen’? If you want to be it, be it.
