The theory of relationship formation that makes the most sense is social exchange theory, which holds that two individuals enter into a relationship when they perceive equal value to be gained from each other.1Cropanzano, R., & Mitchell, M. S. (2005). Social exchange theory: An interdisciplinary review. Journal of management, 31(6), 874-900. It applies to all relationships, not just romantic ones. As long as the value exchange is fair and balanced, the relationship endures. When the value exchange becomes unfair and unbalanced, the relationship becomes unstable and is likely to dissolve. An unbalanced value exchange means one party gains more from the relationship than the other.
The traditional romantic relationship in which the man is older than the woman is the most common type of relationship and marriage. To understand why it’s so in the light of social exchange theory, we need to refresh our understanding of mate value.
Mate value dynamics: Age isn’t just a number
The mate value of a potential partner is the value they bring to the relationship table. It depends on several factors, but age is one of the most important ones that determines a person’s mate value.2Conroy-Beam, D., & Buss, D. M. (2019). Why is age so important in human mating? Evolved age preferences and their influences on multiple mating behaviors. Evolutionary Behavioral Sciences, 13(2), 127.
When a woman is young, she typically has a high mate value because youth in women correlates with reproductive potential. The younger she is, the more kids she can have. If she’s young and beautiful, she has even higher mate value because good genes (beauty) mean a higher likelihood of healthy and good-looking offspring. When she gets older, her youth and beauty start to decline. So her mate value starts to decline.
When a man is young, he typically has a low mate value because the strongest determinant of mate value in men is their resources. A young man is starting to build his career, and his future resource-gaining potential is unclear compared to that of an established man. When he gets older and builds a career, his resources increase, increasing his mate value.
The older man-younger woman pair
The reason younger women pair with older men is that they both perceive a fair and equitable value exchange. The man gains access to the woman’s beauty and youth, and the woman to his resources. It’s really purchasing youth and beauty with resources/money. Both have high mate value, and so both want to maximize what they can gain from what they bring to the table.
Some feminists might argue that such traditional, patriarchal relationships have an imbalance of power, but they’re mostly wrong. They’re discounting the fact that a woman’s power primarily comes from her youth and beauty. And from the fact that she can manipulate a man to act according to her wishes.
If there truly were a concerning power imbalance in such relationships, they would’ve collapsed and wouldn’t be so prevalent.
Why the stigma?
The traditional relationship that I described above is the most common because it tends to be equitable. Society normalizes it because society primarily cares about its own expansion via the reproductive success of individuals. Such a relationship maximizes the chances of reproductive success of the man, the woman, and the society. Such a couple is likely to have the maximum resources and genetic means to raise healthy offspring and ensure their reproductive success, in turn.3Cupach, W. R., & Spitzberg, B. H. (Eds.). (2010). The dark side of close relationships II. Routledge.
Now, relationships where the woman is much older than the man go directly against this traditional dynamic. Anything that violates a social norm brings with it a risk of stigmatization, and this is no different. Such a ‘reverse’ relationship is stigmatized because it’s perceived as unequal.4Collisson, B., & De Leon, L. P. (2020). Perceived inequity predicts prejudice towards age-gap relationships. Current Psychology, 39(6), 2108-2115.
The older woman is seen as preying on the younger man. Hence the term ‘cougar’. But it’s deeper than that. It’s not so much that the relationship is unequal (I’ll show later that that’s not necessarily the case), but it’s more about the reproductive viability of the relationship. The older woman has lower reproductive potential, and the young man doesn’t have the resources to invest in offspring. Such a relationship is unlikely to promote the reproductive success of the man, the woman, and the society.
As a general rule, social norms promote the expansion of society. Society looks down on individuals behaving in ways that deter societal expansion. It’s like a pyramid scheme. All society cares about is adding more members to itself so it can compete with other societies for access to land and resources.
Why does the older woman-younger man (OWYM) pair form?
Despite there being social judgment and stigma around, many people do get into an OWYM relationship. There are a lot of interesting but superficial reasons out there about why people choose such romantic relationships. But I like to focus on the fundamentals. So, how do we explain, using evolutionary and social exchange theory, the formation of OWYM relationships?
Due to her decreased mate value, the older woman is less able to attract an older man of higher mate value who’s likely to go after a younger woman of higher mate value. In contrast, a younger man of lower mate value is more on her level. A younger man and an older woman have low, but roughly equal, mate value. They find it easier to attract each other.
This relationship works because a romantic relationship isn’t just about ‘purchasing a younger woman’s youth and beauty’. Even though that’s the foundation of most romantic relationships. Mate value also depends on positive personality traits like warmth, emotional availability, wisdom, core values, life goals, etc.
When you remove a man’s resources and a woman’s youth from the equation, as in an OWYM, you’re more likely to connect with someone on a mental and emotional level. Men in traditional relationships find it hard to overlook beauty and women, money. This creates many problems in the dynamic.
All those problems get removed from the OWYM dynamic, and personality compatibility becomes the foundation for connection. A place that traditional relationships seek to reach but usually don’t. In a way, beauty and money tend to corrupt those relationships.
Role of power
The higher a person’s mate value, the more power they have. Having more power means being more demanding and playing more games, all in an attempt to maximize what you can gain from what you can give. If you have nothing to give, you can’t be demanding and manipulative.
It’s for this reason that younger women tend to be more demanding. Younger men complain that women their age bring with them a lot of chaos, drama, and gossip.5Massar, K., Buunk, A. P., & Rempt, S. (2012). Age differences in women’s tendency to gossip are mediated by their mate value. Personality and Individual Differences, 52(1), 106-109. Meanwhile, older women, having less power, tend to be more gentle, easy, drama-free, and accommodating.6Phaswana-Mafuya, N., Shisana, O., Davids, A., Tabane, C., Mbelle, M., Matseke, G., … & Kekana, Q. (2014). Perceptions of sugar mommy practices in South Africa. Journal of Psychology in Africa, 24(3), 257-263. The same is true for younger men. Since they don’t have resources yet, they can’t be demanding and exploring options. They appreciate what they can get despite lacking resources.
| Low mate value | High mate value |
|---|---|
| Less power | More power |
| Less demanding | More demanding |
| Fewer options | More options |
Can an OWYM relationship work?
Any type of relationship can work if the people involved are willing to make it work. The OWYM relationship is likely to be unstable because it’s unlikely to contribute to the reproductive success of the people involved and society at large.7Lawton, Z., Callister, P., & Street, B. (2010). Older Women-younger men relationships: the social phenomenon of’cougars’: a research note. Wellington: Institute of Policy Studies. And people mostly get into romantic relationships and marriages for reproductive success.
If you’re in an OWYM relationship or considering it, you have to keep that in mind. You and your partner ought to be on the same page, not just for the short-term but also long-term, if you want that. You ought to be aligned about having children, future goals, values, etc. Then there’s the social stress and the stigma that you’ll have to deal with, which can create internal conflict and strain the relationship.
To evaluate your relationship, ask yourself the questions we ask to evaluate any kind of relationship:
- Do I generally feel good or bad in the relationship?
- Does this relationship bring out the best or worst in me?
- Am I growing or shrinking?
- Is my self-worth increasing or eroding?
If your relationship is healthy, you can even drown the voices of stigma around you. But if it’s not, those voices can tear your relationship apart. What ultimately matters is that both of you perceive the relationship as equal. The traditional romantic relationship is not the only way to achieve an equal romantic relationship. There are more variables in a relationship than ‘woman’s youth’ and ‘man’s money’ that can roughly even out the mate value equation on either side.
