To learn how to de-escalate situations, we first need to understand why they escalate in the first place. Conflict between two parties occurs when there’s a clash of interests. The parties’ needs and wants differ; one party’s needs and wants interfere with the other’s.
Escalation means that a conflict has intensified or is beginning to intensify. De-escalation strategies, therefore, are techniques that reduce the intensity of the conflict. These strategies minimize or eliminate the potential costs and risks associated with escalated conflicts where both parties are likely to face negative outcomes.
The attack-defend frame
When people feel slighted, harmed, or taken advantage of, they experience anger. Anger motivates them to right the wrong that’s been inflicted on them. People will likely attack the person who wronged them when they get angry. The person attacked feels compelled to counterattack, thus creating a cycle of aggression.
If you look at it from a power dynamics perspective, the person who’s wronged thinks they’ve been rendered powerless. The wrongdoer took away some of their power by harming or stepping over their boundaries. The powerless victim seeks to regain power by attacking the wrongdoer. When attacked, the wrongdoer loses power and tries to regain it by counterattacking.
Thus, at the root of most conflicts is this attack-defend frame that gets reinforced with each attack and each defensive action. ‘Frame’ here has the typical meaning of how you view a social situation—its context. Weakening this social frame is at the heart of de-escalation.
Awareness of escalation
Before you can de-escalate a situation, you must know it has escalated. Many people lack the social/emotional skills to see when a situation has escalated, so they cannot stop the cycle of aggression from perpetuating. With de-escalation, nipping the evil in the bud is much easier than cleaning up the mess of escalation later.
You have to be aware when a situation is starting to escalate. A big part of it is noticing the verbal and nonverbal signals of escalation that others give off. Verbal signs of escalation are often clear, like making a personal attack and talking over or interrupting you.
Key non-verbal signs of escalation include:
- Raised voice
- Angry/accusatory tone
- Angry facial expression
- Intense eye contact
- Dominant body language
- Clenched fists
- Finger-pointing
A surefire sign that things have escalated and the attack-defend frame is being reinforced is when your conversation becomes back-and-forth like ping-pong. If you find yourself in the middle of a ping-pong interaction, things are heating up. This is a good time to implement the de-escalation strategies discussed in the next section.
To become a pro, practice looking for what researchers have called ‘loaded moments’. These are moments when you realize that your needs and interests differ from those of the other party.1Kennedy, B. L., & Junker, R. (2024). The Evolution of “Loaded Moments” Toward Escalation or De-Escalation in Student–Teacher Interactions. Review of Educational Research, 94(5), 660-698. Loaded moments create the friction that eventually results in the fire of conflict.
Not all ping-pong interactions are unproductive. When both parties don't adhere to logic and the conversation doesn't move forward, they likely are.
Step-by-step de-escalating strategies
1. Meet their needs
If conflicts arise from a clash of interests, they should diffuse when interests and needs are met.2Mavandadi, V., Bieling, P. J., & Madsen, V. (2016). Effective ingredients of verbal de‐escalation: validating an English modified version of the ‘De‐Escalating Aggressive Behaviour Scale’. Journal of psychiatric and mental health nursing, 23(6-7), 357-368. When you find yourself in a conflict or an argument with someone, ask yourself:
“What do they need?”
If you can’t figure out what they need, ask them. When you figure out what they want, give it to them. Plain and simple. Not all battles are worth fighting. Sometimes, you have to set your ego aside. You have to resist the temptation to attack and defend yourself. While this may seem like a submissive move, power isn’t all about dominance. It’s about getting the outcomes you want. Giving them what they want now often has lower costs for you than letting the situation escalate.
Example
Say you post something on social media, and someone replies with a hateful comment. While giving them a befitting reply is tempting, ask yourself what you will achieve by doing that. They’re probably not going to back off. They’ll attack you back, reinforcing the attack-defend frame. One hour later, you are still arguing and going nowhere. You could’ve spent that one hour doing something productive. Your opponent wants to win, to have the last word. Let them win. Let them have the last word. Let them think they’re right.
Resist the temptation to correct them. They’re in this thing to win, not to see logic. Social media interactions are loaded with this sense that there’s an audience watching you. So, the desire to be right and win gets magnified. And logic gets thrown out of the window in the process.
Agreeing with people who attack you is one of the best ways to give them what they want. You can’t argue with someone who’s agreeing with you. It’s always easier to work with someone’s perception, knowledge level, and beliefs than trying to get them to be reasonable.
2. Stay calm
It’s not always optimal to give the other person what they want. Sometimes, you have to be assertive and stand your ground. To do that, you have to be calm and unemotional when you’re being attacked. You can’t control the other person’s behavior, but you can control your own. De-escalation is largely about self-management.3Accinni, T., Papadogiannis, G., & Orso, L. (2021). De-escalation techniques in various settings. Empathy, Normalization and De-escalation: Management of the Agitated Patient in Emergency and Critical Situations, 65-91. Calmness starts with the mind and then gets reflected in the body. You don’t have to hyperfocus on your non-verbal signals. When you’re mentally calm, the correct body language will follow.
Mindsets to stay calm
Think of it like a game. They’re trying to provoke you; you win if you aren’t provoked. See it as a challenge. Also, keep the attack-defend frame in mind. If you get provoked, your emotional reaction will force you to counterattack. That will make the situation worse. Remind yourself that the other person is agitated and can’t see reason.4Noll, D. (2017). De-escalate: How to calm an angry person in 90 seconds or less. Simon and Schuster. By staying calm, you cancel their agitation and force them to relax. When you’re both calm, the conflict can be resolved constructively.
When you stay calm and logical, focusing on your needs versus blaming or attacking them, you sub-communicate:
“This isn’t about ‘You vs me’. It’s about ‘What’s logical/reasonable/fair vs what’s not’.”
3. Exit the interaction
If staying calm isn’t helping you, exiting the interaction might be a good idea. When you find yourself in a ping-pong interaction, you’re doing your part to feed the cycle. You can stop doing your part any time and leave. I’m not suggesting that you avoid difficult conversations or hide issues under the rug. What I’m saying is that ping-pong interactions are likely to be unproductive and conflict-inducing. You can say:
“We’ll talk about this later.”
Not dismissively, but in an empathic ‘I see we have a problem’ way. Later, when they’ve cooled down, ask them about the issue. Chances are, they’ll say something like:
“Oh, that. That was nothing. Doesn’t matter.”
Humans are complex emotional creatures eager for power and control. They don’t care that they’re fighting over nothing as long as they get to win. The ‘Mindsets to stay calm’ section above illustrates this. Even when trying to be calm, we must think we’re winning by doing so to implement the strategy readily.
Example
When you see someone triggered, it’s best not to interact with them. They’re out of control and have a distorted perception of reality. Anything you say might be used against you. They’re highly motivated to defend themselves, so everything gets seen as an attack.
4. Escalation
It’s paradoxical, but escalation is sometimes the best de-escalation. Some people pick on you and fight with you because they think you’re weak. You have to show them you’re not. As a last resort, aggression can effectively teach your aggressors the lesson that you’re not to be messed with. While it may be hard to do in the moment and incur some costs, they’ll get off your back. It’ll be worth it in the long run.
This strategy breaks the attack-defend frame because the attack from your side is so strong that they think it's better to back off than to counterattack.
Personal example
When I was in school, there was this guy who verbally abused me on the school bus. He had his issues. He did this to a few others as well. I tolerated his nonsense for a long time. One day, I was fed up. When he started it again, I slapped him so hard that I could almost see the stars around his head. The sound from the slap reverberated in the air for a few seconds, while time stood still for everyone witnessing the incident. He never verbally abused me after that.
You should avoid getting physical as much as possible unless it’s self-defense. When all else fails, you can explore verbal aggression or even passive aggression techniques like sarcasm as a de-escalation tactic.
