Category: Psychological phenomena

In a healthy and ideal relationship, when you tell someone they hurt you, they own their mistake and apologize. Or they communicate openly and honestly to clear misunderstandings and reach common ground.

But why do some people get mad when you tell them they hurt you?

There can be many reasons behind this behavior:

Your accusatory tone

When you believe someone has hurt you, it’s normal to feel anger and accuse them of hurting you. The problem with that approach, though, is that you’re purely acting out of your feelings.

Your feelings may or may not be warranted. You may have assumed things. You may have been triggered. Or you may have a genuine reason to be hurt.

The point is: At this point, you can’t really know whether your anger is justified. Them hurting you may just be your perception. So, accusing them of hurting you is you acting based on minimal information about the situation.

No one likes to be accused by people they care about. So, your anger is bound to make them angry.

Defensiveness

When you accuse someone of hurting you, you make them look bad to themselves and others. They’re put in a position where they’re forced to defend themselves.

Even if they’re at fault, they’ll be tempted to defend their ego by coming up with excuses and justifications. They might even turn the whole thing around to blame you.

Some people carry internalized shame which gets triggered when you accuse them. So, your getting triggered may lead to them getting triggered. This dynamic is usually what escalates conflicts.

Projection is another way an attacked person defends themselves. When you confront them with their mistakes, they project their anger onto you instead of getting angry at themselves.

Lack of empathy

Narcissists, sociopaths, and psychopaths lack empathy and are surprised when you call them out. For them, getting mad at you for you being mad at them is likely a manipulation technique. They’ll gaslight and punish you for voicing your concerns so that you may keep your future concerns to yourself.

They perceive your expression of concerns as a threat to their control and authority over you.

Misunderstanding

There’s a subtle difference between this and the previous point.

A person may not lack empathy, but they still may not understand your situation. They simply can’t comprehend how their actions could hurt you. When you tell them their actions hurt you, they put themselves in your shoes and still can’t see how they were being hurtful.

Even if you’re highly empathetic, you’re still living in a world that is different from the worlds of those around you. Your different perceptual world or your unique psychological makeup has been shaped by your unique past experiences.

So, it can be tough to see things from others’ perspectives. This makes people believe that others are overreacting to the situation- that their anger is disproportionate.

Who decides whether a reaction is disproportionate or not?

The answer: No one.

We all have our own yardsticks for proportionality and disproportionality of reactions based on how our psychology has been shaped.

How to deal with this situation?

Someone getting mad when you tell them they hurt you is a tricky situation to be caught in. You can’t control their behavior, but you can control yours, so let’s start there:

1. Use a non-accusatory tone

Okay, they did something, and you felt hurt. Fine. Your feelings are valid, but they may not be justified. You have minimal information about the situation right now. You may have made a couple of assumptions.

So, it’s a good idea to approach the person who hurt you in a non-accusatory manner. You’re only perceiving one slice of reality right now. You need to hear their perspective so you perceive the other slice too.

And you won’t get them to share their perspective if you immediately accuse them and put them in a defensive mode.

You can only reach common ground after you’ve allowed them to share their perspective and you have a clear understanding of what happened.

2. Tactical empathy

Say it’s too late, and you’ve already accused them. Now they’re mad at you for being mad at them. What do you do?

Let them vent. Validate their feelings. Acknowledge that you might have accused them unfairly. Show willingness to reach a common ground.

Once you’ve let them vent, they’ll likely let you vent. Your empathizing with them encourages them to empathize with you. Chris Voss, a former FBI hostage negotiator, called it tactical empathy in his book Never Split the Difference.

3. Assertiveness always wins

When you feel attacked, it’s tempting to attack back. It’s what humans do. The whole thing is a game of emotions. When you realize there’s a difference between feeling attacked and actually being attacked, you create room for assertiveness.

Your feelings are not always in alignment with reality. It’s a 50-50 thing. Half the time, your feelings are justified; half the time, they’re not.

So, it’s wise to calm your emotions and explore the situation further. Assertiveness is all about communicating how you feel in a neutral, non-accusatory manner.

It doesn’t come naturally to humans, but you can learn it with practice. It can help you change the frame of a conflict from “You vs. Me” to “Us vs. The problem”. No one feels attacked when such a frame gets set, and the two parties are likely to reach common ground.

Ever gotten a “love you” from your partner that left you wondering what it meant?

What’s the difference between saying “I love you” and “love you”?

‘Love you’ and ‘I love you’ have the same literal meaning. The former is a shortened version of the latter. Both are used to express affection.

However, omitting the pronoun “I” can change the meaning and effect of the message.

Saying ‘love you’ instead of ‘I love you’ comes across as:

• More casual
• Less intimate
• Less involved
• Less vulnerable
• Emotionally distant

Hence, ‘love you’ doesn’t have the same impact on the listener as ‘I love you’. ‘I love you’ sounds and feels much better. The listener feels more special and loved when hearing it.

In contrast to ‘love you’, ‘I love you’ comes across as:

• Serious and sincere
• More intimate
• More involved
• Vulnerable
• Emotionally close

What’s behind this slight but significant difference?

The answer lies in one word: effort.

The more effort you put into something, the more invested you are in that thing. The more invested you are in a person, the more loved and cared for they feel.

This goes back to the unpopular fact that love and relationships aren’t entirely unconditional. We love people who add value to our lives. The more effort they put into the relationship, the more value they create for us.

Omitting the “I” from “I love you” is a way to decrease effort. Hence, it decreases the value of the message. They can’t even be bothered to say “I”. Therefore, they may not be serious.

According to costly signaling theory, the higher the signal cost to the sender, the more likely the signal is honest.

Omitting “I” from “I love you” reduces signaling costs, thereby reducing the perceived value or genuineness of the signal.

It’s like texting “K” instead of “Okay”. “K” is low-effort and tends to annoy the receiver. This is why almost nobody uses ‘ILY’ for ‘I love you’ in texting. That would be really annoying to receive.

Effort isn’t all about the words

While uttering or typing an extra letter does expend effort, effort is more about nonverbal than verbal communication.

For a moment, let’s forget the difference between “I love you” and “love you” and focus on nonverbal communication.

How something is said entails a variation in effort. Facial expressions and voice tone accompanying an utterance require extra effort.

A person can say the same thing differently depending on how they say it and what facial expressions accompany it.

This means someone can say “I love you” to you with or without effort. Hearing “I love you” without effort can feel the same as hearing “Love you”.

1. When someone says ‘I love you’ with effort:

They say it with a tone of excitement and seriousness. The phrase hangs in the end like a question mark instead of stopping like a full stop. They may close their eyes and put their hand on their chest.

2. When someone says ‘I love you’ without effort:

They say it with a flat tone. Much like answering, “The food was okay” when the food wasn’t bad but wasn’t great either. The phrase stops at the end like a full stop instead of hanging like a question mark. It gets uttered with barely any facial expression.

3. When someone says ‘love you’ without effort:

As discussed earlier, removing “I” reduces some effort. But more effort gets removed when it is said in a casual, unexcited, and non-serious tone. And with little to no accompanying body language gestures and facial expressions.

4. When someone says ‘love you’ with effort:

Yes, it’s possible. A person may say “love you” in a sweet and affectionate tone, accompanied by a smile. This more than makes up for the omission of “I” and can definitely feel better than a bland ‘I love you’.

What to do when someone says ‘love you’ instead of ‘I love you’?

If they say it with a good amount of effort, you wouldn’t feel much difference. If they say it without effort, that’s okay, too, because certain situations force us to exert lesser effort in what we’re saying:

1. They’re in a hurry

If they’re in a hurry, they don’t have time to put extra effort into the message. It has nothing to do with you and doesn’t mean they care less.

2. They’re distracted

They may be distracted by something in their environment or internally by something on their mind. They don’t have the mental resources to spare to put more effort into their message.

3. They’re tired

When we’re tired, we don’t like to put effort into anything. Their effortless ‘I love you’ or ‘love you’ may bother you, but you must also consider their mental state.

4. The conversation is casual

It’s hard to inject seriousness and emotional intimacy into a casual conversation. If the mood of the conversation is relaxing and casual, you can’t expect someone to share their deepest, innermost feelings.

As soon as they do, the atmosphere of the conversation changes.

The only situation that’s worrying

It’s difficult to tell whether someone is making an effortless declaration of love for the above reasons or out of emotional distance. They could be doing it for more than one reason. Unfortunately, you can’t put a camera into someone’s head to figure out their intentions.

Lovers use a mix of effortful and effortless ‘I love you’s and ‘love you’s. That’s normal. What’s concerning is using effortless declarations of love most or all of the time. That may be an indication that there’s a lack of emotional intimacy in the relationship.

Annoyance is a negative emotion that signals to us that we should avoid a particular situation, activity, or person. Annoyance is a weak signal of pain that can turn into full-blown anger if the thing annoying us doesn’t stop or go away.

Avoiding people, things, and activities that annoy us brings relief, fulfilling the purpose of annoyance.

People get annoyed by many things. Someone talking too much is one of those things. The sheer number of words people use can be annoying, irrespective of volume.

Of course, talking too much while also being loud is worse.

Reasons you get annoyed when someone over-talks

1. Valueless conversations

This is perhaps the biggest reason for getting annoyed when someone talks too much. When you get value from a conversation, you can listen endlessly, and quantity ceases to matter. For instance, when someone is discussing a topic you’re interested in.

It can get super-annoying super-fast when you’re forced to listen to someone talking endlessly about something you don’t care about.

2. Irritability

You’re likely to get annoyed when someone talks too much if you’re already irritable. Irritability is caused by a variety of factors, including:

• Sleep deprivation
• Hunger
• Stress
• Anxiety
• Depression

You might find that the things you usually don’t find annoying become annoying when you’re irritable.

For example, you might listen to your loved ones talk endlessly about the most mundane stuff. But the same is hard to do when you’re irritable.

3. You’re trapped

When you can’t escape a situation where you’ve got to listen to something you don’t care about, annoyance kicks in pretty soon. For example, you may force yourself to sit through a boring class if you know that the class will be over soon.

When the lecturer extends the class by an hour, you get super-annoyed. Your boredom crosses tolerable levels into the realm of annoyance.

4. They dominate the conversation

We humans have a fundamental need to be heard, understood, and validated. When someone dominates the conversation by talking excessively, you may feel ignored, unimportant, unheard, and invalidated.

Often, people who over-talk talk over you. This is a power move to silence you and enforce their views. When you’re deprived of expression, you feel annoyed.

5. They only talk about themselves

People often try to increase their perceived importance when discussing themselves. Their interests and problems take precedence over yours.

Someone who’s constantly bragging about themselves is also giving an indirect message:

“I’m better than you.”

No wonder, it isn’t enjoyable for the listener. No one wants to hear someone tooting and blowing their own horn. Some people have this irritating habit of asking what I call fake questions. They ask you how you’re doing (fake question), but they don’t listen to what you have to say.

Instead, they start talking about themselves, answering their own question, oddly enough. They only asked that fake question to give themselves the opportunity to ramble on and on about themselves.

6. They’re know-it-alls

People often dominate others in conversations by acting as if they know it all. This is especially annoying when a person has no educational background or experience in the subject they’re discussing.

When someone tries to show they’re a know-it-all, they’re automatically relegating the listener to the position of ‘know-nothing’. If they know it all, you probably know nothing, which is a frustrating consideration.

7. You don’t like them

When you don’t like someone, you might find everything they say annoying. Your bias against them blinds (and deafens) you to anything valuable they might have to say. The more they talk, the more annoyed you are.

The movie 12 Angry Men presents an excellent example of this. Even when presented with compelling evidence, some biased characters found it hard to change their minds.

8. They’re unimportant to you

Talking isn’t just a verbal exchange of information; it’s also a bonding and relationship-building experience.

If you don’t care about someone, you don’t feel like talking to them. Anything they have to say gets perceived as invaluable and, therefore, annoying. And when they over-talk, it’s even more annoying.

9. Sensory overload

Some personality types, like introverts and highly sensitive people, feel overloaded when processing a lot of information. That includes someone over-talking. They have a greater need for alone time.

An introvert is likely to find an extrovert, who talks a lot, annoying.

10. You’re overstimulated

Even if you’re not a hard-core introvert, sometimes you may find yourself in situations where you display introvert-like behaviors. I’m talking about situations where you feel overstimulated. For example, after spending a lot of time browsing the internet or playing video games.

When you’re in this highly irritable state, you behave like introverts normally behave. You have no mental bandwidth to listen to someone talk, let alone overtalk.

Similarly, if you’re overstimulated in one area (e.g., work), you may find listening to your partner talk endlessly annoying. Your mind can’t take any more stimulation, even though you care about your partner.

11. You’re being distracted

When concentrating on something, your entire attention needs to be focused on that thing. Since attention is finite and you can’t pay attention to two things at a time, you get annoyed when someone tries to steal your attention by over-talking.

12. They’re uneconomical with words

Conversations that are redundant and go off on tangents are low-value conversations. People who are economical with their words use fewer words to convey more meaning. They’re narrating an essay for what could’ve been conveyed in a paragraph.

All that padding is more unnecessary information for the mind to process. Since we don’t like wasting our mental energy on unnecessary things, it can get annoying.

This is also why you’re annoyed when someone repeats the same thing over and over.

“I understood when you said it the first time, you know.”

13. You’re jealous

If you’re an attention-seeker and like being the center of attention, someone who talks too much threatens you. They’re taking away your ‘airtime’. You might conclude they’re annoying, but if you dig deeper, you’ll find yourself wanting the attention they have.

Declaring them as annoying was merely a way to cope with the situation, one-up your competition, and feel better about yourself.

A polygraph or a lie detector test is a device that supposedly detects lies. ‘Poly’ means ‘many’, and ‘graph’ means ‘to write or record’. The device has many sensors that record a person’s physiological responses, such as:

• Heart rate
• Blood pressure
• Respiration rate
• Skin conductivity (sweating)

A marked increase in the above measures indicates sympathetic nervous system arousal, a more technical term for stress response.

The idea behind how polygraphs work is that people are likely to be stressed when they lie. The stress registers on the polygraph, and deception is detected.

Therein lies the problem with polygraphs. They’re supposed to work based on two faulty assumptions:

1. Stress is always caused by lying
2. Liars are always stressed when they lie

In Statistics, these are called errors of measurement. There are two types:

1. False positive (Observing an effect where there is none)
2. False negative (Not observing an effect where there is one)

When applied to polygraph testing, this means a person who’s not lying may fail the test (false positive), and a guilty, lying person may pass the test (false negative).

Polygraphs are stress detectors, not lie detectors. The leap from ‘being stressed’ to ‘lying’ is enormous and unwarranted. Hence, polygraph tests are not accurate. Sometimes they’ll detect a lie, and sometimes they won’t.

Truths and lies can have life-changing consequences for people. It’s too serious a matter to be left to a 50-50 chance, as polygraphs do.

Why innocents fail the polygraph test

There are several reasons behind failing a polygraph despite telling the truth. All of them revolve around polygraphs being stress, not lie, detectors. Think about the reasons that might stress a person out during a polygraph test. Those are the factors that are likely to produce false positives.

Here are some:

1. Anxiety and nervousness

You’re made to sit in a chair by an authority figure, wires and tubes attached to your body. Your fate is about to be decided by a silly machine that was probably a brainchild of some failed scientist desperate to make an impact on the world.

How can you not be anxious in such a situation?

Lie detection by polygraphs is a stressful procedure in and of itself.

The stress experienced by an innocent person may be due to the procedure itself and not because they’re lying.

There’s this case of an innocent guy who first failed and passed the test the second time. He gave the same answers both times.

He probably failed the first time due to the anxiety caused by the novelty of the situation. When attempting the test the second time, his body was more relaxed. There was more familiarity.

Another big reason for nervousness could be the fear of failing the test. Many people know that lie detectors can be inaccurate. There’s uncertainty attached to the machine.

It’s not like a thermometer that’ll give you precise temperature measurements. It’s this mysterious box from hell that can accuse you of being a liar out of the blue.

2. Shock and sadness

Being accused of a crime you didn’t commit can put anyone in shock. It gets worse when you’re accused by a loved one, someone you trusted. The stress detected by a polygraph may stem from the sadness and shock of being accused of a heinous crime.

3. Embarrassment and shame

Being accused of a heinous crime is embarrassing and shame-inducing. These emotions can also trigger a stress response.

Some people may feel embarrassment or guilt at the mere mention of crimes, even if they did not commit them. Just as you feel stressed when watching negative news.

4. Trying hard not to fail

You may think of ways to pass the test if you’re innocent. You may have done some research on the topic.

The problem is: Trying too hard creates stress.

So, if you’re trying too hard to relax your body or think positive things during the test, that might have an opposite effect.

5. Over-thinking and over-analyzing

We may not notice it in our day-to-day lives, but mental stress gets reflected in the body.

If you overthink and overanalyze the questions you’re asked, that can get registered on a polygraph. Even not understanding a question can induce mental stress.

Even something trivial such as the examiner having difficult-to-understand accent can stress you out as well.

6. Physical discomfort

Like mental discomfort, physical discomfort also leads to a stress response in the body. Maybe the chair you’re in is uncomfortable. The wires and tubes attached to your body may be irritating you.

7. Memories and associations

So far, we’ve been talking about the external triggers of stress. There are internal triggers as well.

Maybe mentioning a crime reminds you of a similar crime you witnessed or watched in a movie. Maybe a question triggers memories of unpleasant past events.

Maybe the person asking you questions resembles a teacher who punished you in school. The possibilities are endless.

8. Anger and rage

If you’re innocent, some accusatory questions may trigger anger or rage in you.

False negatives

Guilty people can pass the lie detector test simply because they’re more relaxed. Similarly, psychopaths, sociopaths, and pathological liars may lie without feeling a pang of stress.

You can beat a polygraph by training yourself psychologically or by using drugs.

Humans are social species. Among the most profound human needs are the need to belong and feel included.

Blocking someone on your phone is a modern form of social exclusion. It’s a way of communicating to the blocked person (blockee):

“I don’t want you in my life. I don’t want anything to do with you.”

Getting blocked by someone you care about can be very hurtful and humiliating. It can make the one depressed and lose their self-worth. Social exclusion is painful.

Why would you want to block someone?

The answer is simple: They’re causing you pain.

They’re inflicting harm on you, so you want them out of your life. It’s a perfectly valid self-protective measure. Everyone should be able to choose the people they want in their lives.

Blocked and unblocked

All the people in your life can be categorized into two categories- blocked and unblocked.

People you’ve blocked, you’ve blocked for a reason. They’ve caused you inconvenience and pain.

The people you’ve not blocked, you’ve chosen to keep in your life. They add value to your life.

Like many things in life, things aren’t always black and white.

There’s a grey area between blocking and unblocking someone. You may keep blocking and unblocking someone when you get stuck in that grey area.

When you’re unsure whether or not to keep a person in your life, you may keep blocking and unblocking them. Your confused actions are a reflection of your confused mind.

Now, a variety of situations can lead to this type of indecision. Let’s go over some of them.

1. Blocking and unblocking an acquaintance/friend

You know someone you’ve added to your contacts list. You’ve talked a couple, or maybe a few, times. Maybe you’re friends, but not that close. But you’re still unsure whether or not to deepen your relationship with this person.

This situation may lead you to block and then unblock them.

2. Your crush

The same dynamics apply here as in the previous case, with some additional factors.

When you add your crush to your contacts list, you hope to get their attention and interact with them. You may have reached out to them, but they didn’t reciprocate.

You feel rejected (pain), so you block them. But then you’re like:

“What have I done? They’re my crush. I can’t afford to lose them.”

And so you unblock them.

Blocking and unblocking your crush can also stem from needing their attention.

Maybe you reached out to them, and they didn’t respond as you expected. So, you play this game of blocking and unblocking them so they take notice of you.

Since humans are sensitive to social inclusion and exclusion, we do notice it when someone blocks and unblocks us. This behavior is confusing and raises questions.

3. Your partner

Blocking in a romantic relationship is usually done by partners with an avoidant attachment style. When the relationship gets too close for them, they use blocking as a deactivating strategy to meet their space needs.

However, not all avoidants do that. Some understand that blocking is an extreme step.

A friend once complained that her boyfriend blocked her when he was at work. And then unblocked her when he had to talk to her.

I told her blocking is an extreme step and that her concern was warranted.

If he didn’t want to talk to her, he could’ve simply told her or kept his phone on silent. He wanted to communicate with her on his own terms, which signals a desire for control and power.

4. Your ex

If you find yourself blocking and unblocking an ex, it’s a sign you’re not completely over them. The hurt from the breakup makes you block them. But then, you hope they’ll take you back, so you unblock them.

You get curious about them and want to keep tabs on their life. Seeing their pictures and posts reminds you that you’re no longer with this person, causing you pain. Then you block them again. It’s a vicious cycle.

More reasons

1. Ego

Blocking someone makes you feel powerful and boosts your ego. You feel like a king who exiled a meek subject from his kingdom.

People obsessed with power and control may be more likely to block others.

When a relationship starts to go south, blocking someone before they block you is a way to get the upper hand on the other person.

“I’ll exclude them before they exclude me.”

2. Anger/guilt cycle

Some people are impulsive and don’t think about their actions. You may have, wittingly or otherwise, hurt them, and they got angry. They blocked you in the heat of anger. When the anger subsided, they felt guilty and unblocked you.

3. Threat/safety cycle

You may block someone you see as a threat. Then, in the future, if they no longer pose a threat to you, you may unblock them.

This has happened to me:

Long ago, I’d blocked some relatives because I felt they were too nosy and interfering.

I quickly realized that I couldn’t keep these people in my life. I was building my business then and didn’t want any interference.

Now that my business is built, they’re no longer a threat. Also, I’ve learned to become a private person since then. I’ve unblocked them now because I know I won’t be discussing my work or personal life with them.

Psychological blocking

Even though I’ve unblocked my relatives now, they don’t reach out to me. Why do you think that is?

Partly, it’s because not communicating with me has become a habit for them. Good for me.

And partly, it’s because of the phenomenon I call ‘psychological blocking’.

You may unblock someone on your phone and all social media platforms, but you may still be blocking them psychologically.

When you psychologically block someone, you keep them in your life but don’t reach out to them. You give them the option to reach out to you.

You keep them on the edge of your social circle. You maintain a distance from them without excluding them.

And believe me, people are sensitive to psychological blocking just as much as they are to actual blocking.

The good thing about psychological blocking is that you leave them guessing where they stand in your life. You barely talk to them, but you’re kind and respectful when you do. You maintain a respectful distance.

It’s the best way to deal with people you can’t completely exclude from your life. You can’t always think in extremes (blocking/unblocking). As with many other things in life, the middle path is usually the right path.